The Great Baby Quest

Pleasantly Surprised

2007-12-06T22:24:00.000-08:00

I just got a letter from the insurance company informing me that I have been approved for fertility testing (yay!) with a 50% co-pay (ok). I have no idea how much the testing is actually going to cost. If it's as expensive as I think it will be hopefully my doc will let me pay it in 2 or 3 payments. Whatever the cost, I'm going to get the testing done one way or another. Next step: meeting with our GP as previously mentioned to get the requested info for my doc. That happens a week from today. I am pleasantly surprised that the letter got her as quickly as it did. I honestly didn't think it would arrive before the new year.

On an some-what unrelated note, I just started taking Adderall today to deal with my ADD problems in school. I'm hoping it will help and I can have an easier time in school. I was worried about taking it since it could cause problems during pregnancy, but since I haven't managed to stay pregnant for more than a few days in the past 2 years, I decided I need to move on with life until I have some more definite answers. Once I have the fertility tests completed and we decide on a course of action to move forward with ttc I will talk with my psychiatrist about my medications and whether or not I should stay on them during pregnancy. Until then, I'm really hoping that the meds will help me stay on track with school and the rest of my life.

An Update of Sorts

2007-12-04T17:17:00.000-08:00

I just have a brief update, for record keeping sake. I am now on my 25th cycle of trying to conceive. After meeting with my ob/gyn we have decided it's time to move forward with fertility testing for me. But first I need a letter from G's and my GP doctor stating that his fresh sperm is relatively safe to work with due to his long-standing undetectable viral load and his good sperm analysis (including a copy of the analysis). We have an appointment with our doc on December 13th to get that information. My ob/gyn also needs to obtain permission from the insurance company to do the fertility testing so we have to wait on that. It could could take as long as a month or so to get the permission.

I am so paranoid that the insurance company will deny the testing. I'm also afraid that they're not going to be able to find any reason for me not getting pregnant. I'm hoping very, very much that we will be able to do IUI (which automatically includes sperm washing) with G's sperm.

Blogging Hiatus

2007-10-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

My school work is becoming too much for me. So in order to preserve my sanity, I have decided to take a hiatus from all blogging (both reading and writing) for an unspecified period of time. Feel free to e-mail me at indigowolf(at)gmail(dot)com for any reason. Otherwise, thanks for reading my blog.

It's Been Way Too Long

2007-10-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

If you didn't already guess, I've been pretty busy. School started with a bang in the middle of August (way too early in my opinion). Then my grandpa got sick and had to go to the hospital at the end of August. I've been down to San Diego 3 different times since then. The first time was because it didn't look like he was going to make it. But he made it through another week and I went down again for his big Birthday Bash which was the weekend before his 90th birthday (which happened to be on September 11th). I said good-bye to him for the last time on Sunday, September 9th. We both knew it would be the last time we saw each other on this planet. He dies the following night just hours away from his birthday. It was 9:28 pm, pacific time. This meant it was 12:28 am in his birth town, Buffalo, NY. So in a way, he did make it to his 90th birthday like he wanted. I've always wanted to live until my 100th birthday. I hope my timing is as good as his. My 3rd trip was just this past weekend for his memorial service.

I seem to be having a harder time dealing with my grandfather's death than I did my grandmother's 5 years ago. Maybe it was because I had recently gotten married and was still happy from that. I think it's more likely that when Grandma dies, I felt like part of her still lived on through my grandpa. We could still go to their house, the house still smelled the same. Everything was basically as it was before she left, except that she wasn't there. Now that Grandpa is gone, everything will be different. The family has to sell the house at some point, so it will no longer be the hub of our family. Having him gone means they both are really gone now. They mean so much to me and were there for me when I needed someone the most. They taught me, more than any one else in the world, what it means to be a good person. When I think of the word Christian, I think of them before I think of the perverted thing that politicians would have us believe is Christianity. I thank them for giving me the gift of faith, the tiny spark still burns in me even through all of the doubt I have experienced. My spiritual views certainly don't even come close to mirroring theirs, but they gave me a strong foundation for which I will forever be grateful.

Things Must've Been Going Too Well

2007-06-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

People kept asking me, "So, how's life?" And I have, up until now, had nothing but good things to talk about. I went on a fabulous (but very busy) trip with a family a babysit for, paid for by them (plus an extra $800!) and got to leave on my birthday, so it was a cool birthday present on top of that. I've been getting plenty of babysitting business to help pay the bills and just enjoying my summer. I got good grades (could've gotten all A's if I hadn't slacked at the end). So life has been going pretty well. The Saturday happened. Let me explain.

I sat down with my laptop to respond to a new parent I'll be working with this summer. When I went to look for my backpack to get my schedule book out of it, I couldn't find my backpack anywhere. I knew I had brought my backpack home the night before when I came home from babysitting because my lap top had been in it and I had it. I had my phone which had been in my backpack, and I drank the diet coke I had gotten out of my back pack last night. So where was the back pack? My purse and wallet were inside, so I really needed to find it. I thought maybe my room mate put it in his room, mistaking it for his own (they're the same brand). But no, it's not in his room either. I'm really freaked the fuck out by this point because the only other explanation for my backpack not being anywhere in the house is that someone came into our home and took it. I start to get close to hysterical and instead of holding me and helping me calm down, G starts yelling at me about it and blaming me. I over-reacted in part because I was two days over-due for my depression meds and hormonal on top of it. Then I get both my husband and room mate telling me it's not that big of a deal (when none of their shit got stolen) and making me feel even worse about the whole thing. To me, it was a big deal. It's a major pain in the ass to have to replace my ID and shit (luckily there weren't any credit cards or anything, just a bank card). When I looked to see if anything else was missing, I realized my ipod, which had been on the counter right above the backpack, was gone too.

It could have been a lot worse than it was. I understand that quite well. They really didn't get anything of any monetary value. No one got hurt. Nothing got smashed or ruined or ransacked. That being said, I am extremely angry and disappointed at how G reacted to me and the situation. At a moment when I really, really needed his emotional support and strength, not only did he not come through, he did the exact opposite. I feel so let down by him. I am so angry at his hypocrisy too. He has freaked out just because he lost his keys temporarily and then gets mad at me for freaking out when my backpack, with my purse, wallet & schedule book inside are stolen out of my own home. When I pointed that out to him he said, "Yeah well I didn't cry." I couldn't believe it when he said this. Of course he didn't cry!!! He yelled and punched the wall! Would he rather I react that way?! What asshole! I'm just really mad at him today. I can't even talk to him about anything related to the incident without him accusing me of either harping about it or yelling at him about it when I am quite obviously doing neither.

If he can't come through for me on something like this, how can I count on him to be there for me in other times of crises?

Cruel, Cruel World

2007-06-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

One of my internet buddies just lost her precious baby today at 23w 1d not even a week after finding out that it's a boy. It was due to premature labor. Sometimes life is really fucking unfair. I don't know how I'd survive something like that.

I Want to Love My Body Again

2007-06-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

I don't want to feel let down by my body anymore. I want to know why my body can be so maddeningly predictable when it comes to ovulating and menstruating, but getting pregnant seems to be a mystery. Why, in the name of all that is good on this earth, can my body not figure out how to get and stay pregnant?! We did a new cycle ttc cycle this month. I was really hoping this would be our month for a lot of reasons. I'd get my BFP right around my birthday, I wouldn't be stuck traveling with AF (more on that later), and I would just start showing at my grandpa's big birthday bash in September. Plus I would be due towards the beginning of next spring semester, so there would be minimal interference with school.

Maybe if I knew why this wasn't working it would be easier. I doubt it, though. It's just the same crap over, and over, and over again. Taking a break doesn't lessen the anxiety I feel over having a kid. I'm really trying not to dwell on this too much. I prefer to get my anger and frustration out of my system, then move on. But it does get increasingly hard to stay positive when month after month nothing changes. I hear stories about women who get pregnant after 4 years of trying. That's great and all, but G just turned 47. I really, truly expected for us to have a kid by now.

I'm sorry my blog posts are so filled with negativity. My life isn't that bad. I've got good stuff going on. In fact, one of the families I sit for invited me to join them Tennessee this week to help watch their kids and those of some friends. All my expenses are paid for plus and extra $800. That will be really cool. Unfortunately I will also have af during this trip which sucks ASS.

I am so tired of being angry with my body. But until I manage to get pregnant or find some other way to become a mom, I just don't see that changing.

Lots to Think About

2007-04-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

I need to take a break from ttc. I have no idea how long. Could be just a month, could be 3. I've gotten bored with it. I'm starting to hate it. I hate the hopeless feeling that comes with it every fucking month. It's depressing me.

The depression has gotten to the point where not only is my skin constantly boken out with psoriasis, but I've started binge drinking again, like I did when I was still working in an office job. Of course the drinking just makes my skin even worse. This weekend I got so drunk that I was terribly sick all day yesterday. It was by far the worst hang-over I've ever had in my life. Even after puking before passing out, I still puked again like 9 times or something yestrday. It was probably alcohol poisoning, but I managed to come out of it sometime around 8 pm last night with lots of electrolyte-enhanced water and lots of sleep. The only thing I could eat and keep down all day was a couple of bites of ice-cream around 8:30 pm.

This last thing embarrasses me and infuriates me. I've been knowing for some time now that I have a problem with being able to control my alcohol intake, but this was the last straw. I just can't drink alcohol anymore. If I need to be babysat everytime I drink, I have no business doing it at all. Especially when I started having a few drinks before classes in the morning. It has become a pretty serious problem. One I wasn't fully able to admit until this. I've just started seeing a psychotherapist again. We had our introductory session last week and I'll see him again next week. I'll have to talk to him more about this when I see him. It's really hard writing this, but I need to. I need to hold myself accountable before it ruins my life.

I have a bit of hope on the horizon. California Senator Carole Mignden's bill SB 443 recently passed the senate's health commitee. Here's an excerpt of their press release:

“All families deserve access to the tools that reproductive science has to offer,” said Migden. “In this case California law needs to catch up with technology because, whether inadvertent or not, it discriminates against HIV-positive men. My legislation will ensure equal reproductive rights for all women, regardless of their partners’ HIV status.”

SB 443 would allow couples where the fathers are HIV positive to undergo assisted reproduction under the following guidelines:
1) The HIV-positive donor’s sperm is processed to minimize the infectiousness of the sperm for the specific donation;2) Informed mutual consent has occurred; and3) The sperm processing procedures must be recognized by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine.

So anyway, that's another reason why I'd like to hold off for a bit on ttc. The prospect of using G's sperm after all this time is so exciting. I'm willing to do IUI for that. I so hope that they will approve IUI for this. IVF is still way out of our price range at this point. Please keep your fingers crossed, or say a prayer, or light a candle or whatever that they will approve IUI for this.

I guess I could use some prayers and good vibes for the other stuff too. Wish me luck.

Disciplining Children

2007-04-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

I was watching Montel this morning and his show was about hitting your kids. So far, it's the dads who are more into hitting or spanking as a form of discipline than the moms. But I know that is certainly not the case across the board. G and I have talked about our feelings about spanking and I think we pretty much agree on our philosophy. I bet a lot of people wouldn't agree with this but we both feel that girls require slightly different discipline than boys as they get older. When they're toddlers and preschoolers it's pretty much the same. Firm boundaries are necessary, but yelling never is (unless you're calling to them from some distance, of course). Keeping calm while giving giving a time out or redirecting their activity/behavior is the most effective. hen they're older and have the ability to think through their actions, that's when the difference comes in. Girls respond to talking much better than boys. You can explain to a girl why she shouldn't do something and most of the time that will be sufficient (with reminders or course). With boys, talking doesn't always work. Many boys are more action-based and when someone starts talking for awhile they tune out. So it's important to be a little more physical with them. Not by hitting, but in other ways. For example, if you keep telling him to quit playing in the street and he won't listen, go out into the street and pick him and/or physically move him. There again, it's important to stay calm while doing so.

Regardless of any form of discipline, if you are too angry to discipline your child in a calm manner, walk away until you are. When you discipline children in anger, it's just not as effective because they see you reacting out of anger, not with a level head. Kids are sponges and will soak up what ever you put there.

I firmly believe that when you hit someone, you're basically inviting them to hit you back. Parents are surprised when their teenagers start hitting them back, but what else can they expect? That's the way they have taught their children to deal with their anger. Not very constructive, huh?

Being Broke is So Depressing

2007-03-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

We have rent due and we don't have enough in the bank to cover it. Work has been extremely slow up until this weekend when everybody wants me at the same fucking time. It's nice to get all that work, but it would be even nicer if it was spread out a bit more evenly. G and I are having the same ole stupid arguments about money and it never fucking changes. He tells me we need to do this and that differently, but he never makes any effort to actually do those things differently. I make an initial effort, but when I see I'm the only one making the effort, I get tired of it and slip back. So we end up in this never-ending cycle of barely getting by. I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because if I get pregnant I know I will change all my priorities around and get my shit together. But I won't be able to get pregnant until I have my shit together. We're both so fed up and depressed that we've been stuck in this financial rut for so damn long, but we're having a super hard time making the sacrifices necessary to get out of that rut.

The Cutest, Funniest Thing I've Seen in a Long Time

2007-03-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

I saw this on someone else's blog and it cracked me up so much I just had to share. I now present to you The Sneezing Panda:

Heartland

2007-02-26T20:32:00.000-08:00

That was the secret word given on the local news I was watching last Tuesday for some Bob Seger concert tickets for this past Saturday night. They said to go to thei website, enter the secret word and blah blah blah. G is a pretty big fan of Bob Seger and I really like his music so I decided to go ahead and sign up for the hell of it I made sure to tell G about signing up for it just in case I won because he hates suprises, even when it's things he likes. The net day when I checked my e-mail, I got a message from someone at the news station telling me I'd won! I could not believe it! I never win shit like that. I was half-way afraid it was a hoax. But it was legit and our seats were incredible. We were in Row 2 only about 20 yards to the left of the stage. Both of us had such a marvelous time. G said this makes him want to go to more concerts. I would absolutlely love that. So anyway, that's about all going on here...

Huh, Maybe the Meds Are Working

2007-02-01T00:27:00.000-08:00

I've been on selexa for about 3 weeks now. It seems like it's working pretty well. At least, when I found out 2 of the girls in my buddy group are pregnant, I was genuinely thrilled for them. That's a step in the right direction, if I do say so myself.

We've been in the process of painting our bedroom for the past 3 weeks as well. Actually we started in December, but it's had to be done in steps because we're doing it ourselves and we're not professionals (duh). G's been doing most of the painting since my school schedule makes hard for me to get any real work done before I go and by the time I get home, he's already been at it for an hour or so and me painting too would just get in his way. He hates doing stuff like this (I'm usually the handy person around the house) but it needed the painting really badly and the only way it would get done is if we either hired someone to do it and had the landlord reimburse us, or do it ourselves and have him reimburse us for the cost of supplies. Guess which option was way easier for us to do financially? So the apartment has been in a major disarray because of the painting and it's been driving us crazy, but most especially G who can't stand clutter. We would definitely get testy with each other, but we were doing remarkably well with being civil until I got sick with a cold on Monday. I get very cranky and short-tempered when I'm sick. So I bitched more, he bitched more because of it, which made me bitch more because he was bitching at me when I was sick. Luckily after being in different rooms for about 30 minuets we made up and got over it.

I like it so much better when I get over that shit quicker. Before I would stew about it for hours even though I knew it was just blowing off steam. I just wouldn't be able to let it go. I seem to be having a little better grasp at that now. It feels kinda good. Let's hope this lasts for awhile.

Don't Want to be Another Bitter Infertile

2007-01-19T11:35:00.001-08:00

I never thought I would get to the point where I felt resentful everytime I found out someone I know of is pregnant. But here I am. What a suck-ass feeling. I feel like such and asshole for feeling this way too. It's getting so old! Seriously, I've probably written a variation of this post 10 times before. I'm really trying to keep a positive attitude, I'm taking my anti-depressants like a good girl, changing my protocols to make me more fertile, whatever. In fact I'll be trying out a new gluten-free diet for a month or 2. When I mentioned my psoriasis in a previous post, a commenter mentioned that the psoriasis could be linked to my infertility. So after doing a bit of research, if there is a connection to my psoriasis and infertility, it's most likely due to (probably mild) gluten sensitivity. It also is known to be linked to depression. But I'm very not convinced that this will be the answer. I don't know if anything will work. I'm seriously preparing myself for the possibility of never having kids. I have to. My options are too limited to think otherwise. Of all the people in my family, I never thought that I would be the one to not have kids. This is the biggest challenge for me...As hard as it is for me to believe that I will eventually have a successful pregnancy, I have an even harder time believing I will never be a mom. Telling myself that I'll never be a mom feels the same as telling myself I'm going to be an astronaut someday.

Something Different

2007-01-18T23:16:00.000-08:00

I still love the other template, but I just needed something different to look at for a bit. Let me know if you have any trouble with font size, comments, or any other technical issues.

It's Actually Pretty Funny

2007-01-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

Dude, you know your blog sucks when you don't even get comments during de-lurking week. That's pretty fuckin lame, but it's funny as hell.

Oh Yeah, it's Delurking Week

2007-01-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

So lurkers, come out, come out wherever you are!

Our Story

2007-01-09T13:41:00.000-08:00

I started this post on December 18, 2004. It's high time I finished it, huh?

Cecily gave me the idea to write the story of how G and I met. So here it is for your enjoyment:

It all started when I was going to Whittier College. It was January of 1998. I failed my first 3 morning classes of fall semester and was basically kicked out. I had been living with my dad in San Diego, CA before that but was fighting with him constantly, so I moved in with my mom and step dad in Kanab, UT. I really hated living in Utah and told my friend K this, who had been my room mate at Whittier. She asked me if I wanted to move in with her at her parents' house in San Francisco. Of course I said yes. She talked it over with her parents and they agreed to let me live there, which was pretty generous of them. I moved in at the end of May 1998. They wouldn't even let me pay them anything for my stay. They just asked that I help out with chores around the house once in awhile. I'm ashamed to say that in my immaturity I kept my room much messier than any good guest would ever do.

Anyway, when I moved to San Francisco I eventually got some work through a temp agency. I was working as a file clerk for a company that was in the heart of the financial district. It was located near this neat looking round glass building that held a Sharper Image store (not there anymore) and a courtyard with a funky-looking waterfountain and a long wall that surrounded the courtyard. This wall was called "The Wall" and most of the bike messengers in the city would hang out there during some part of their day. I would go there during my lunch break to check out the hot bike messegers with their gorgeous muscular legs and fun conversations. One day I noticed one of the bike messengers telling some crazy-ass stories but they were fun and interesting to listen to, so I did. I noticed that he was older but it was hard to tell how much older because he was in such great shape (and really good-looking!), plus he only had a sprinkling of gray hairs at his temples, which meant nothing to me because I have an uncle who was completely gray by the time he was 30. I think he noticed me checking him out but I didn't think anything of it until the next day. I saw him there again at lunch. I was drinking this stuff called Jui2ce (I think) that was being handed out as free samples down town. He looked at me and said incredulously, "You like that stuff?" I replied, "It's ok, I guess. The carbonation's kinda funky but it's free." He smiled at me and just kinda struck up a conversation. I saw him there most of the time at lunch from then on for quite some time. I was dating someone at the time, but he and I had become friends and we exchanged numbers. We hung out socially once with my friend K, her boyfriend and my boyfriend, but it was kinda weird so we we just hung out at lunch after that. At some point in our friendship he told me he was 38 (19 years older than me AND twice my age!). Since we were just friends (even if I was attracted to him) it wasn't a big deal. There was a period of time when we lost touch because I changed temp jobs and I could never find him when I did make it down to the wall. It turned out the he had changed jobs as well. He was at the same messenger company but had become a dispatcher. I eventually got back in touch with him when I came across his phone number. I started hanging out with him more and more, especially every time my boyfriend would cancel our plans at the last minute. After awhile I just told the boyfriend that it was totally fine that he was cancelling, I would just go hang out with G.

I ended the relationship with boyfriend when I realized it was going nowhere sometime in early December of 1998. It was pretty soon after that the G and I started dating a little more regularly. After we'd gone out to dinner one night (December 27, 1998) we were hanging out at his place watching TV. At some point he was romantically gazing into my eyes (swoon!) and asked me if he could hold me. I said "sure" and snuggled into his arms. As you could probably imagine that snuggle turned into a kiss which *ahem!* turned into many other things. We both figured it would be a "friends with benefits" relationship. Neither one of us thought it would turn into marriage!

So that's our story.

Happy New Year

2007-01-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

I hope anyone who happens by this blog has a very happy new year. I've decided that I'm only going to have one resolution for this year and that is to get my skin (psoriasis) cleared up. It's something I'd really like to happen and something I think I might actually be able to accomplish if I make an effort to use the prescription stuff regularly. I hate having to put the stuff on each and every spot. It's really a pain in the ass. But it sure would be nice to have relatively clear skin again. It's been a long time. I think the wellbutrin I'm on is making the psoriasis come back. G reminded me that that was part of the reason I stopped taking it last time. I'll be sure to mention that to the doc on Monday. I also decided that trying to get pregnant has no business being a resolution since I seem to have little control over whether or not that happens. I'm going to continue to not temp for a while longer. I really think that will help some. Especially during the tww. At the end of it, my heart is always pounding when I take my temp to see if it has gone down or not. It's so ridiculous! So I hope to enjoy my life and husband more and really quit worrying so much about getting pregnant.

Stepping Back

2006-12-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

I needed to take a step back and really take a look at what I'm feeling, where I'm going with all of this. I'm still pissed about the first aid thing. But the ttc thing? Well, I've decided to stop temping for the time being. We're still ttc, but at a much lower key. I just can't keep doing it anymore. I was getting to the point where I wanted to throw the thermometer across the room. I mean, what's the point, really? I know approximately when I'm going to ovulate each month, I can use OPK's to pinpoint it better. I just don't want to keep obsessing about it all the time. Like I've said before, it really stresses me out. So I'm done with it for a little bit. I don't know how long. It may be for just this cycle, it may be for several cycles. I may just stop ttc for awhile. I don't know. I just know I can't keep trippin' about it all the time. It's obviously not doing me any good. I already feel better after a week of not temping. I still think about it more than I should, but not as much as I was.

I'm a Loser Babyyyy....So Why Don't You Kill Me?

2006-12-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

I found out today that I am not First Aid Certified, despite taking the Advanced First Aid class for a semester. Why? Because I apparently missed too many classes even though I made up all the classes I missed. I am so mad and disappointed in myself. Only in my second year of school and I'm already fucking it up. I know it's not the end of the world, but today I really didn't need more irritating news.

Wednesday I went in to get blood drawn for my regular HIV test. I was over due since the last test I had was in February and I usually test every 6 months. They told me the results would be in by today, so I called the doctor's office and was told the results were negative. Great! Now I can relax and enjoy the holiday weekend. Then the doctor calls an hour later telling me how sorry he is and that he had marked the wrong test on the lab sheet and I got tested for syphilis! I already fucking know I don't have syphilis!!! So anyway, he went on to tell me that he had called the lab to see if they could just retest the sample they already have, but of course they can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because of liability. So he's mailing me a new lab slip. I decided fuck that! I want to know my results before the weekend is over, so I found a place that will not only test me tomorrow, but will give me the results within an hour. Of course I had to call 3 different places before I found one that would help me. Apparently most of these testing centers only do it for gay or bi men. So, who cares about the straight women that are being affected just as much if not more than those gay men! It's just not fair. The testing should be available to anybody. Period.

So, I'm just not feeling very christmasy today. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, after some good news, we hope.

Same Blood, Different Month

2006-12-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

Here I am at the end of ttc cycle 12. Woke up with spotting and lowered temps. No matter how much I try to tell myself that it will be ok if I'm not pregnant this cycle because of x,y, or z, it's just not ok. I don't know if it ever will be. Every fucking tarot card reading I do is negative when it comes to me being a parent, especially when it comes to getting pregnant. Seriously, at least three different readings told me I would be experiencing loss, despair, sorrow, need time for healing, unfairness or injustice. Seriously, I have had some many different readings tell me this over and over and over again. Yet I still won't believe it. I know Rob's going to read this and say the tart cards are a bunch of bullshit anyway. What ever. Why would I get so many damn readings that are that negative when the cards are supposedly drawn randomly? After awhile it becomes hard to believe that's it's just coincidence. There are an awful lot of obstacles in this road to me becoming a mother. More than most. Some of these obstacles are more than I can overcome. The road is getting harder and harder to travel with all the obstacles and it feels very strongly like the road is completely blocked up ahead. The thing is...I have no idea what I'll do when I get there.

Changes in the Air

2006-12-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

Yeah, like Rob said in the comments of my last post, I'm no longer employed with that babysitting agency. Here's the story: Back in October I babysat for a family that I had a pretty good relationship with. The mom paid me with a check as usual and G deposited it in the ATM the next day as usual. A few days later we got a notice from our bank saying the deposit envelope was empty. I called the mom to tell her what happened, including that I was worried the check got stolen or something and asked her to stop payment on the first check, and send us another check minus the cancellation fee. She said no problem. A couple weeks went by I never received the second check, so I called her again to find out if she sent the check, she never returned my call. I called again and told her I had some bills to pay and really needed the money, asked if I could pick up the check. She told me she had completely forgotten about it and left the check for me with her doorman. After I went to pick up the check, didn't even think about it again until she left a message on my voicemail a couple of weeks ago saying according to her bank statement both checks were cashed. She wanted to know if I would either pay her back or babysit for her to make up for it. I returned her call and left a message saying I would pay her back but that I was surprised the first check was cashed because I thought she stopped payment on it. We never received the money from that check in our account and said as much and I also asked her to find out which bank the check was deposited to and verify what account it was deposited in so we could figure out what happened. Instead of calling me back, she called the lady who runs the agency, telling her everything that happened (including the part where I said I needed the check to pay bills) and then saying that there is a trust issue now because of the whole thing, implying that she thinks I stole the money. "It just seems strange.." is what she said more than once. The agency lady told me I should have just let her deal with it from the beginning and got on my case about how it was inappropriate and unprofessional to say that I needed the money to pay bills. I told agency lady that I now realized that I should've just let her handle it, but I thought it would be a simple matter that could be handled quickly and easily. I was embarrassed that the mom had actually shared that and thought I had a better relationship with the mom than that. I told G about all this and he called the mom to let her know that we would be sending her a check with the money back, but that he personally was the one who deposited the check in the first place and knows for sure that envelope he deposited wasn't empty and asked her again to find out from her bank where the check was deposited, maybe send us a copy of the back of the check because according to our bank statements we never received the money from the first check into our account. The mom called the agency lady again telling her about this conversation with G. Agency lady then calls me to tell me that it was inappropriate and creepy for G to call that mom and if it ever happened again, she couldn't work with me. So that's when I decided that if she feels that my husband helping and supporting me with something that actually does involve him is creepy and inappropriate then I don't need to be working with her. When I got home later that afternoon I wrote her my resignation letter and told her as much.

Earlier this week we got a copy of the back of the check showing that our bank had actually received the check and took the money out of the mom's account. They just screwed up somewhere along the way and lost the check while transporting it to another bank or some stupid shit like that, but basically our bank screwed up and took the money out of her account but never put it into ours. I fucking hate banks.

I'm still babysitting, but on my own. It's harder to find regular work, but I don't have to pay any of it to the agency anymore. So there's good and bad to it. I hope I can make this work, but I'm scared.

I'm Such an Idiot! Part II

2006-11-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

Well, if last weekend wasn't bad enough, this weekend I managed to double-book myself for both tonight and tomorrow night. And of course because the jobs I really want were booked second, I have to give those up to someone else while I do the first job I booked. All this because when the jobs from last week and this week were confirmed, I didn't have my stupid calendar with me so the jobs never got written in. Also, the way the final confirmation e-mails are sent out has changed. It used to be that final confirmations for the next 3 or 4 days would be posted in an e-mail. Now only the next 2 days are posted which makes it near impossible to have enough time to get a job replaced if necessary. I need to get my head out of my ass. This is ridiculous.

Congratulations, Milenka!

2006-11-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

On tuesdayNovember 14th, Milenka had beautiful twin girls! Feel free to go congratulate her, as it was a long hard road to get there.

Cycle #12

2006-11-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

I thought I had something to say about all this, but I'm realizing that I don't. What is there to say that I haven't already said? This sucks. I wish I could just get pregnant already. I have no obvious health problems that would prevent me from getting pregnant. The only reason I can think of is an extremely annoying one. I can't relax. I can't stop stressing and obsessing about it and I would not be surprised if it were those very things that were keeping me from getting pregnant. I really need to move on from this crap. It's starting to effect my school work and every other aspect of my life. I am becoming anti-social because all I can think about is this crap. But I feel like the only way for me to stop obsessing about getting pregnant is to just get pregnant. But if that's not going to happen, where does that leave me? I have no idea. I need to see a therapist regularly to deal with this stuff. I can't handle being stressed, obsessed, and depressed all the time. What I've been dong so far hasn't been working, but I have absolutely no idea what needs to change to make it work.

All This Waiting

2006-11-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

...is driving me crazy! Here I am at the end of the 2ww again. Temps are still up, af is not here yet, but getting BFN's (on digital hpt's). I really wish I had some regular hpt's around so I can do some line analysis, but no luck right now. So I'm gonna have to wait until at least Wednesday to test again. Anyone reading keep your fingers crossed that af stays away!

I'm Such An Idiot!

2006-11-09T20:19:00.000-08:00

I just found out that I booked myself for 12 hours of work on Saturday without realizing it. I only have one hour to get from the first job (7 hours) to the second job (5 hours). So I can't even go home for a small break between jobs. I'm so mad at myself I'm in tears over it. AND there is absolutely no way to get out of it unless I get sick. Fuck! Who in their right mind works for 12 hours without a break? This sucks so fucking much. GAH!

Bren & her Lollypop

2006-11-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

Bren & her Lollypop
Originally uploaded by IndigoWolf.

The silly mutt loved that lollypop. We were suprised that she didn't try to bite it. Happy Day After Halloween.

BTW, 8 people got shot in my neighborhood last night. I live in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco where there's a big Halloween party every year. Unfortunately a lot of people come to the party purely to cause trouble. Apparently a few of those people got into a gun fight just as the police were closing down the party and a bunch of innocent by-standers got caught in the cross-fire. Luckily everyone survived.

When I heard about this on the news I was incredib;y grateful that I had no desire to go check out the party this year. In previous years I looked forward to going to the party and checking out everyone's costumes, even if it was just a quick walk-through. But this year nothing about it sounded appealing to me. Now I know why.

Less Obsession? HA!

2006-10-31T21:24:00.000-08:00

My goal was to be less obsessed about ttc this cycle and just be more relaxed about the whole process. Yeah. Didn't work. I've been far more obsessed with this cycle than I have been in a long time. The only reason I can think of for it is last week one day my back was really hurting when I went to bed and G said, "It's because you're pregnant!" To which I replied "yeah, right" and tried to go to sleep. The very next day, my boss (the lady running the babysitting agency) asks me, "Why do I get the feeling you're pregnant?" I knew I wasn't pregnant when they both said that to me because my temps were much too low, but of course their comments automatically translated to signs (in my mind) that I would be successful this cycle. So, I'm feeling markedly more obsessed this cycle. Which is not helpful! Gah!

Hey Lurkers!

2006-10-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

Why do I have an average of 40 visits a day but not ONE of you can be bothered to leave a comment of some kind? It's rude. All you have to do is say something. Even if it's just "fuck off."

Bitterness Leaves a Bad Taste, Even When it's Mild

2006-10-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

You know what's fucked up? There's a blog that I read, not gonna say which one (not that it would matter if I did since no one reads this stupid shit). The woman who writes the blog happens to have the same first name as me. A couple of cycles ago, we started on the same day and ovulated on the same day. But as chance would have it, despite the fact that I timed our inseminations absolutely perfectly, and hers were not so well-timed, she got pregnant and I did not. So now I'm having a very hard time reading her blog because everytime I go to her site I see the pregnancy ticker and think "I should be the one who's 9 weeks pregnant right now, not her!" What an ugly, ugly feeling to have. It's not like there are limited numbers of pregnancies to be had and someone else getting pregnant means less chance for me. That's just stupid and insane. But really, how fucked up is it to have watch someone with my first name who had the same cycle as me get pregnant when I continue to NOT get pregnant?

It Doesn't Ever Go Away

2006-10-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of being obsessed with having a baby. I don't want to be this obsessed but I just have this sense of time running out. Most people tell me, "But you're so young!" To that I say, "So what? My husband isn't." I've always wanted to be done with child bearing by the time I turned 30. I know I still have 2.5 years, but really, that's not very much. At least I've decided that one kid is enough for me. G will be 50 in 3.5 years and I would really, really prefer to have our kid before then. In fact I'd like that kid to be at least a year old by that time. Is that asking too much? I never would have thought so, but now I'm beginning to wonder. I was talking to my sister yesterday about all this and was telling her that I had a feeling we'd be successful by the end of the year. She told me, "You said that last year." Great. So much for that feeling. So I'm trying to have the attitude of "don't expect anything and you won't have anything to be disappointed about." But I'm having a really hard time with that. And because of it, I'm stuck in this stupid rut of saying basically the same damn thing in every post. I want a baby, I want a baby, I want a baby. Well no fucking shit. . I'm sorry this blog is so fucking boring. I just can't bring myself to think about much else. I'm at a loss as to what I should do next.

I've been seriously considering taking clomid because I think it could help me get pregnant. It's not because I'm not ovulating, I have it well established that I am indeed ovulating regularly. I don't believe that the eggs aren't getting fertilized because there's nothing wrong with the sperm I'm using. My gut says that the problem is with implantation more so than with fertilization. I've been suspecting for awhile that I have some sort of luteal phase defect (LPD) because my luteal phase varies more than it should. Most information on the internet regarding LPD talks about the LP being too short. That's not my problem. After a little research I found what I think is my problem. Here's an excerpt from this website: http://www.inciid.org/printpage.php?cat=infertility101&id=7

Failure of the uterine lining to respond can occur even in the presence of adequate follicle development and a corpus luteum that persists for the appropriate length of time. In this condition, the uterine lining does not respond to normal levels of progesterone. Therefore, should an embryo arrive and try to implant, the lining will not be adequately prepared, and the implantation will likely fail.

But I still haven't found any real information that tells me whether clomid would be helpful for that situation, or what would be helpful. Plus I need something that I can afford. I really hope I'm not going to need anything particularly invasive to get and stay pregnant. I guess I'm just looking for some way that will allow me to have some control over this process. I hate feeling like I'm playing a slot machine. I've never been very lucky with those.

The Worst Part of the Cycle

2006-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

I'm about half-way through the final week of the 2ww. Today is 11 dpo. Around this day of my cycle (usually between 9-11 dpo) is when my progesterone levels seem to peak. I have the most symptoms, my temps are at their highest and I'm the most hopeful. But I'm also the most nervous. When I start getting to this part of the cycle, my heart starts beating faster when take my temp in the morning. I start seriously obsessing about every little thing. All I want to do is look up stupid things on the internet like early pregnancy symptoms which is completely lame for me to do because 1. I already know all the symptoms by heart and 2. I've had all the symptoms and still not been pregnant , so it's ridiculous for me to even consider them. I'm so nervous about temping tomorrow because that's usually the day my temp starts to drop. I really, really want it to work this time. I really, really want it to work every time we try. But at least if I got pregnant this cycle, the baby would be born during the summer, plenty of time for me to get used to the baby before going back to school. This is why it's so hard to be hopeful. I hate looking forward to things because more often then not I've been disappointed because the thing I was looking forward to ended up not happening. This is an on-going theme in my life. So I try really hard not to expect anything. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Right now I'm having a really hard time not hoping for a happy ending to this cycle (meaning it ends in about 9 months with a healthy baby). But I just keep on plugging away, taking each day at a time, but it sure would be nice to know for sure if I'm pregnant or not right now. It would be even nicer to know that I AM pregnant.

*update 10/13@ 7:49 am*

Well my temp dropped half a degree (5 tenths) so I'm expecting af to arrive by the beginning of next week. I would be incredibly surprised if it didn't show up. Oh yeah and Fertility Friend no longer says my chart is triphasic.

Hope Keeps Getting Resurrected

2006-10-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

So, this cycle I've been determined not to get too hopeful during the 2ww. Up until now. I've been doing ok with that. But now my Fertility Friend says my chart is possibly triphasic. How am I supposed to keep from testing when my chart says that? I've had my chart say that before and not be pregnant, but still! I have to wait until at least this weekend. Then I'll consider indulging myself then.

Sleep?

2006-10-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

My sleep cycle is all wacked out from the days getting shorter. I've been staying up later and having the hardest time getting up in the morning. That's really unhelpful for school. That's why I'm typing this stupid blog entry at 12:22 in the morning instead of sleeping. Also, I'm really hungry. And I don't feel like making a PBJ. I also don't feel like going to the store. So PBJ it is, I guess. Although, donuts sound really, really good right now. Nah, too lazy. PBJ. OK, good night.

Dealing With Depression

2006-09-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

This whole ttc thing has been getting me pretty down lately, as I'm sure anyone could tell from the last post. But life in general seems to be stressing me out more than it should. I'm taking 5-HTP right now which does seem to help. When I wrote the last post, I hadn't taken any for a couple of weeks. Even so, I've been considering seeing a psychiatrist for help with my depression. That might include medication if necessary. I keep seeing ads on TV for Cymbalta and I like the idea of it helping with both the physical and emotional aspects of depression. We'll see. We're going to do an insemination this cycle, but if we're not successful, we'll probably take a few months off. I think I need a break. A long time ago I promised myself that I would only have a kid if I had 3 things: A healthy relationship, healthy financial state, and healthy mental/emotional state. The relationship is more than ready; financial state could use some improvement, but it's steady; my mental/emotional state could definitely use some improvement. So I'm almost there but not quite. Maybe I just need to stay on the 5-HTP for a bit longer. At least it would be safer during pregnancy. But as it is, I have to deal with the fact that depression is a part of my life and I need to take conscious steps to keep it at bay.

I would love to see a hypnotist for m depression. I feel like that would allow me to deal with the root of my problems instead of just the symptoms. So I'm hoping that at the very least I can either find a psychiatrist who also does hypnosis or one who can refer me to a hypnotist. I hope that living in San Francisco makes me more likely to find a psychiatrist open to alternative methods of therapy (other than talk therapy and medication). Most psychiatrists are not that open to it, so we'll see. Wish me luck.

Loser

2006-09-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

That's me. I am feeling like quite a loser this morning. Here I am bleeding again, because that's all my piece of shit body ever wants to fucking do is bleed. I'm sick of this! I am so fucking sick of being hopeful, thinking, maybe I'll get lucky this time. Apparently It's just not going to fucking happen.

Seriously, how does a person decide that it's time to move on? How many times do I have to go through this heart ache and misery before I actually believe that I wasn't meant to be a parent? Was I meant to be a parent? If I was, why can't I afford to do any of things that would help me become a parent? Why did I have to marry a man who is 19 years older than me and HIV+? Couldn't I have just picked ONE of those challenges? Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life feeling like a fucking outsider? Why not, that's how I've felt throughout life so far. Why should now be any different?

I'm so tired of being so sad about this. I wish I didn't care so much. I'm tired of hurting like this. When does it stop?! I just want the pain to go away. Why is that asking too much?

Getting Frustrated

2006-09-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

We tried again this month and despite great ttc timing, my temps have been going down for the last few days. What makes this even more frustrating is that the weather has been getting colder too, so I don't know if my temps are going down because weather temps are going down or just because af is going to show up in a day or two. I'm really trying to think positively about it, but that's really fucking hard. I don't know if I have any optimism left for this venture.

Can You Believe This Bullshit?

2006-09-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

My best friend high school, A, ran into my brother earlier today. This is the same brother whom I haven't spoken more that 5 words to in the past 2 years. He has a 2.5 year old daughter who I wouldn't recognize if I saw her because I don't know what she looks like. I haven't seen her since she was 2 months old (not even pictures), at which time I wasn't even allowed to hold her because I had a cold sore on my lip. He told A to apologize to me for him in taking so long to call me. He also asked that I continue to have patience with him. But before he said any of this to her, he felt it important to tell her how successful he is and that he's a life coach and writing his biography. How fucking lame! How in HELL can he be a life coach for other people when he can't even deal with his own issues?!

I really love my brother but it sure seems like he's turning into the kind of person I really don't like. I hope that's not true. I hope he doesn't come around and we can be family again. But I'm not holding my breath.

Humiliated

2006-08-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

I work as a babysitter for an agency. I was just informed via e-mail by the lady who runs the agency that she has received several complaints about me leaving a mess with either the toys or meals when I babysit. She wouldn't tell me who she got the complaints from but according to her "all the clients think u are the best sitter but then complain about the mess when they return." I am so humiliated by this. First off, I DO try to clean after my messes with the kids. I know I'm not perfect, but I do my best. I'm sure there have been times that I have left toys out when I left, but that was usually because the kid was still playing with them. I always try to clean up after meals, but I guess I haven't been doing a good enough job. So now, I am really embarrassed and very paranoid about my future babysitting jobs. How am I supposed to know if I've cleaned up enough? I'll do my best to make it spotless, but that's kinda hard to do while I'm babysitting. This is exactly why I don't do nanny work. I am really surprised that I've left messes enough to warrant "several" complaints. I don't know what to do. Man, I feel like crying.

Donating Blood

2006-08-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to post about this for some time now. Before we found out about G's HIV status I used to give blood on a regular basis. I felt it was part of my duty as a healthy person to help my community. I can't give blood anymore because G and I are sexually active and that disqualifies me from giving blood. I really wish I could sometimes because there are often blood shortages because not enough people are donating. The national supply levels get especially low after huge disasters like Hurricane Katrina. But it shouldn't take such a disater to get people to donate. If everyone who was able donated blood judt once, there would be an amazing surplus that could be shared with the rest of the world. It's not that difficult to do. If you're reasonably healthy, don't have any problems with needles or collapsing veins, you can do it. Your job will most likely let you take the time to do it. It takes only an hour or two out of your day (if not less) and you get a free snack and some time to lay down and relax. Really not a bad eal considering you can save up to 3 lives with that blood. For more information about donating blood you can visit bloodsaves.com or givelife.org and find the blood donation center nearest you.

This concludes my public service announcement. :o)

You know what I fucking hate?

2006-07-29T23:42:00.000-07:00

I hate when I come home from a party after working a 9-day work week and the only thing my husband has to say to me is about how my breath smells like alcohol and I'm annoying. I'm just having a good time playing around with him and I"M annoying. God dammit, he's usually being the annoying one but I put up woth it because I know he's just playing around cuz he's in a good mood. Why can't he give me the same coutesy?

It's Over

2006-07-17T02:46:00.000-07:00

I am bleeding & cramping really badly, so I guess I had a chemical pregnancy. This sucks. I guess I learned my lesson about getting too excited too soon.

OMFG!!!!!!!!

2006-07-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

I peed on a stick yesterday and it was positive!!!! Very faintly positive, but still positive! I am nervous as hell. Yesterday was only 8 dpo and my period isn't technically due intil Monday, but...Holy Shit!!!!

I can't believe it finally worked! More details later.

4 Years

2006-06-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

Four years ago today G and I were just finishing our wedding vows, with tears in our eyes and bittersweet joy in our hearts. I say bittersweet because G had recently reconnected with his family, but none of them were able to attend. Also, my wedding ended up being a huge family reunion because my grandma was dying of cancer. Many of my relatives used my wedding as their last opportunity to see Grandma. She ended up passing away 4 months later. It was such a beautiful day. The weather was perfect. Everything that could've gone wrong happened the night before. Except for my period. That ended up starting the moment we sat down to eat and G had to go with me to the bathroom to hold my skirt up for me. Ahh, good times.

Looking back, I am sure glad I decided to marry him. We have certainly been through some rough times. There have been plenty of times when I thought to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?!" But for the most part, G is the perfect match for me. He motivates me better than most, knows me better than anybody on this planet, and would fight to the death to protect me and his family. I always knew I wanted him to be the father of my children, even when I thought we were just friends with benefits. Now that I've known him for nearly 8 years, lived with him for 7 and been married to him for 4, I absolutely cannot wait to see that look of joy on his face when he holds our child for the first time. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes.

I love you Big G. For ever and ever and ever.

I Hate Feeling This Way

2006-06-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

My dad told me today that my recently married cousin is now pregnant. Of course I'm happy for her, but that pang of jealousy still hit me in the gut. I told G about it and he asked how I felt about it. I was honest and said "Jealous, but happy for her. I hope everything goes well." He got mad because I said I was jealous and said I make it sound like it's his fault. That got me feeling even worse. I felt, and still feel like I have every damn right to be jealous of her, despite the fact that I'm happy for her. She's the girl who wears size 0 pants and C cup bra, has blonde hair, blue eyes, dimples, tans easily. This also the girl who already has a career, and owns a home even though she never finished college and she's 5 years younger than me. Plus, now she's already pregnant after being married for only 2 months. Please, tell me, what the fuck is there NOT to be jealous of?

G told me I need to have a better attitude, that maybe God has a different plan for us. I said in a fairly snotty tone, "Well, obviously!" But I couldn't help it. My faith has it's limits and I'm finding it very difficult not to be cynical. Lately he's been getting on my case for saying god dammit too much. I told him it doesn't seem like God cares a whole helluva lot. He didn't like that I said that. Bottom line is, I tried the positive attitude thing and it hasn't worked so far. Faith just isn't enough.

My Dad is Pretty Damn Cool

2006-06-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

Because he gave me this for my birthday (which happens to be today):

I hadn't quite got the hang of the settings which is why the coloring doesn't look too good, but I love it! It's an elph and it is a great camera. My sister got one for her birthday too.

I got this shot of G basking in the sun:

And here's me just playing around with the camera while laying down:

My hair came out a little wild there.

And of course my silly dog, Bren:

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2006-06-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

The lady I spoke with was very nice and gave me a lot of good studies to read. She acknowledged that I had done my research very well and couldn't give me any new information. Just confirmed what I already suspected. Oh wait, that's not entirely true. She did tell me that there are loans specifically for fertility treatment that we might look into if we so choose. Otherwise we are left with the same options we had before. The problem is that G has now decided that we can't afford for me to be on his insurance after all and wants me to look into an individual plan now. I am pulling my hair out because we went through this just a few months ago. I told him we would be better off if I just got my own plan since it would be less money per month. He thought his coverage would be better and said he didn't mind paying the extra money so he insisted I go on his insurance. Here we are 5 months later and they want to raise the rates. NOW he wants me to get that individual plan. So, now I have to get my insurance squared away AGAIN before I can find myself a goddamn gynecologist so I can proceed with ttc.

What this all means is that we will probably not be ttc for at least 2 months. Truth be told, it's just not looking good for this year. There seems to be a lot of obstacles in the way. We are already half way through this year without an ounce of progress with ttc. Also, the only motivation G had for moving out of this shithole apartment was either me getting pregnant or the landlord selling the house. Neither of which is going to happen this year, in all likelihood. What really sucks ass is that I'm supposed to ovulate right around my birthday and that egg is going to waste. Not that I would've gotten pregnant even if we were trying. Because it would be too special for me to get pregnant on my birthday. Things like that just don't happen to me.

All of my life I always expected that I would have big boobs like the rest of the women in my family and get pregnant and have babies when I got married. The big boobs part never happened. I'm beginning to wonder about the pregnant part, or having babies for that matter.

Schoooool's Out For Summer!

2006-05-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am so glad to be done with school! I have now finally completed my first year of college. Of course, I still have a long way to go, but I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself for making it this far. I know that sounds egotistical and self-congratulatory, but I don't care. The first time I tried college I failed 3 of my classes and got kicked out after the first semester because my gpa was too low. I was too immature for college at that point and didn't have the discipline to make myself do the work. It took me awhile to go back to school because I was afraid the work would be too hard and I fail again. I was also afraid I would be the oldest one in my classes and would feel like an outcast. Luckily neither of those things turned out to be true in the slightest.

I got an A+ on my history final. That was a big deal for me because I had gotten a D on the midterm. My professor told me she was proud of me for the improvement I made in the second half the of the semester. I'm pretty sure I got A's on my other finals, but not positive. It will be nice to have the summer off before going back to school. I'll be ready for it again by then.

G and I are going to keep trying to get pregnant throughout the summer. I have that appointment tomorrow and I look forward to seeing what this woman has to say. I want to find answers and don't want to waste money if possible.

There Goes All Our Plans for This Year Updated

2006-05-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

G quit his job today. Because of a disagreement with his boss. Granted, his boss was being quite unreasonable, but he quit his fucking job!!!!!! That means that unless by some miracle his boss offers him enough of a higher pay to bring G back, we no longer have medical insurance, will most likely not be moving out of this shithole apartment this year and sure as hell have no business ttc. Not to mention we probably won't be going anywhere for our anniversary like we'd planned. He's confident he'll get another job right away and so am I, but the chances of him getting the same pay or more is pretty slim. He'll most likely start out at a lower pay. Gee, that's what we fucking need right now, LESS money!!! I wonder if I'll be able to go to San Diego this summer like I'd planned. At least I already have a plane ticket for that, but can I afford to take more than 2 days off? I don't know. I am really upset about this, but I don't know if I want G knowing just how freaked out I am about this whole thing. I mean, all we ever have is setbacks. When are we ever going to get ahead?!

*Update* Thank God and Goddess he came to his senses and went back to his job the next day. He had a meeting with his bosses and worked things out, but he also wants to update his resume and get prepared because I think he's feeling like he's ready to move on. To move up. That, I can handle. Just don't quit without having another job lined up. Phew.

6 Cycles With Nothing to Show for It UPDATED

2006-05-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

My fucking temp dropped 7 tenths of a degree this morning. I am so depressed I can't even tell any of you. I know I've probably said this before but I'm really starting to feel like I will never get pregnant. Ever. I wish I could the win the lottery so I could afford any procedure I want or need. I hate this so much. I really want to be a mom, but because I'm not rich enough to get the medical procedures necessary to become a mom, I probably never will become one. Why do I care so goddam much??!! Why can't I turn off this desire until I can afford it? Why do I have to feel tortured every motherfucking month?! I hate this so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to be numb, I'm tired of this hurting so much. I'm tired of no one around me having any fucking clue how awful this feels. It feels like my heart is being ripped out. I don't care how melodramatic it sounds, that's how it feels. I fucking hate this.

*UPDATE* I've made an appointment with BAPAC to get help in figuring out what the next step is. The lady I'm meeting with will also be able to refer me to a gynecologist, which I really should have right now anyway.

I'm so tired of all this shit.

I Should Be Studying...But I'm Not

2006-05-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I am so looking forward to this semester being over with. The sucky part is that school is probably going to get harder, not easier and I am already feeling a little burned out by it. That's why I've decided to take the summer off. Also, if I get pregnant in the next month or so (and stay that way) I won't be in school the following spring semester, either. I am totally ok with that. I feel no need to rush my education because other wise I'll stress myself out too much and will end up fucking my classes off.

For my child development class this semester my professor is allowing me to do a different final project from the rest of the class. I stayed after class one evening to talk about homework and got into a conversation about special ed which she had been involved in during the early part of her career. I tolder her about my older sister who has Down Syndrome and a litle bit about what it was like growing up with her. She later had the idea for me to give a presentation to her Children With Special Needs class as my final project. I jumped at the oppertunity considering every body else had to compare curriculum that we studied as their final projects. Well, I'm off to go buy some note cards to be used as flash cards to study for my hisyory final on Wednesday. Plus I have 3 small papers to write and my Family History Project due next week.

I don't wanna do it!!!!!!!!

2006-04-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, so much has been going on lately! I'm not even sure where to start.... Oh I know!!

My dear friend Milenka got some absolutely wonderful news on Monday (her birthday)! She went to her first ultrasound appointment and found out she's having twins!!!!!!!!!!!! I am beyond excited for her!!!!!!!!

A couple of weeks ago I was in Seattle with my friend K visiting friends. We had such a blast!

Here are some pics from the trip:

K and AD (AD was one of our hosts)

CP - Our other Host

K and the Troll (under the bridge)

"Pi in the Sky" near Pike's Market

Right before I went up to Seattle, I was down in San Diego for my cousin's wedding. She's a very pretty girl already but was absolutely beautiful in her wedding dress. The ceremony was beautiful. It was done in the same church her parents were married in and the same church that my grandparents had gone to for the past 47 years, where we all were baptized, and the church where my grandma's funeral took place. Needless to say, that church has a LOT of family history there.

Here's a pic of the newlyweds:

Aren't they adorable?

Twighlight Zone

2006-04-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

As G and I were approaching our coming, returning from the grocery store, we saw a guy and girl walking down our street. They were both obviously high as kites and probably homeless. She was pregnant. G said, "Man I can't believe she's pregnant again. And to think she used to be cute." Right then I realized that this was the Girl. This is the one who G thinks he got HIV from. He dated her not long before he started dating me. She's the same age as me. Seeing her was like a slap in the face. I have to believe that it wasn't an accident seeing her like that. I don't know why. It seems like there should be a lesson to be learned somewhere in there. But it sure feels like a cruel twist a fate. How could this tweaker bitch who I don't even know have such a permanent effect on our lives? And why did I have to witness her now, high as a fucking kite and PREGNANT? When I am currently trying to get pregnant? What lesson am I supposed to learn from that? G tells me I shouldn't hate her, although he wouldn't blame me if I did. I don't know if I hate her. There are so many different emotions running through me right now. I am mostly really sad about it. And kinda angry. I have a really hard time having any kind of spiritual faith when something like this happens. The unfairness of it is just mind-boggling. Days like today make me totally understand Atheism.

Dammit!

2006-03-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

I was almost done with a really cool post and the damn computer crashed!!!!!!!!! I fucking hate that shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New template! Woohoo!

2006-03-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU MILENKA for my new blog template! I absolutely love it. You really do have a talent for this.

My Doggy

2006-03-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

I got a new cell phone recently with a camera. So of course I've been using my favorite photography model: my dog Bren! So here's one of the shots I got of her:

:o(

2006-03-14T07:10:00.000-08:00

I thought at least someone would have commented about the last post. I thought it was pretty cool. Oh well. That's the last time I go through all that just for a stupid blog post.

International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day

2006-03-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

One of my dear friends sent me this darling e-mail the other day. In light of today being International Women's Day I would like to send this out to all the Very Good Looking Damn Smart Women out there!

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!

To the Girls !!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.-Cora Harvey Armstrong

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. (Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Two Years!

2006-03-06T12:34:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I've been writing in this blog for two years! Not much to show for, but it has been interesting. At least to me. I know I don't update very much here which makes this blog pretty damn boring. But I often don't have time to even get on my computer to check e-mail let alone sit and think about something to post. My life is just not that interesting I guess. It mainly consists of school, babysitting, homework, housework, eating, sleeping, and TV here & there. I'm ok with this, but it doesn't make for much interesting reading. Oh well.

I'm actually supposed to be doing my homework right now but for some reason can't quite bring myself to do it. I don't know why. It's not going to be that terribly difficult. There's just so many other things I'd rather be doing right now, like eating some food in a restaurant, or shopping, or reading a good book that has nothing to do with school. Oh well, I better get my butt in gear.

iPod Shuffle Blues

2006-02-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

The other day I was on my way to a babysitting job, listening to my iPod Shuffle like I normally do, no problem. I shut it off before getting to the family's home and forgot about it until it was time for me to go home. I put on my headphones, turn it on, and - nothing. I look at it and it's blinking at me in two different colors. Grr!!!!! So when I got home I plugged it in to my computer. Windows recognized that there was indeed a "mass storage device" hooked up to it, but it couldn't actually communicate with it and iTunes didn't recognize it. I tried all of the tips on their support page to no avail. So the next day I had to bring it into the Apple store on Stockton. They were very helpful. The dude who helped me couldn't get their Macs to respond to the Shuffle either, so they replaced my shuffle as agreed in the 1 year warranty the iPod's come with. Very nice. It seems that Apple has a good handle on their customer service. My friend K had bought an album from the iTunes store and there was a skip in the first track. She asked them to refund 99 cents so she re-download that track, but they instead refunded the whole album. Not a bad deal. So, all in all I think Apple is pretty decent product to use. I have always been pretty staunchly pro-PC, but lately have been thinking about getting a Mac in the future. I'd be more inclined to do that if yahoo's games and launchcast were compatible with Macs.

Possible Hiatus UPDATED

2006-02-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some serious soul searching for the past few days. In light of the fertility clinic raising their prices, and my husband and I never seeming to be able to get ahead enough, I've been thinking that I should possible put of ttc for another year or two. Just thinking that makes me so sad. But we are still no where near financially ready, I feel like if we have a baby before getting a car, we'll never get a car, and who the hell wants to lug a baby around on public transportation? Maybe we'll never have a kid together. Considering how we have few options for conceiving, it's a distinct possibility that we may just not have kids. Greg isn't getting any younger and doesn't want to be too old, especially considering his HIV. I'm just so tired of wasting my energy on something that we may never achieve. And certainly something that is virtually impossible to achieve this year. I just don't understand how we can make as much money we do and still always be broke. It doesn't make any fucking sense! We certainly don't live extravagantly. *sigh*

So anyway, don't be surprised if you come here and find that I have indeed taken a hiatus from this blog for awhile. We shall see.

UPDATE: G. does not like the idea of a hiatus at all. He feels like our families will spring for clothes and money when they find out I'm pregnant. He's sure his family will. I just don't like the idea of asking my family for money. I guess it's a pride thing but he says that's what families are for. That's my get-back for having to deal with their crazy asses as I was growing up, he says. While the idea certainly makes me smile, I still have this lingering feeling of wanting to prove to my family that I don't need their help to make it in life. But the sad fact seems to be that I do need their help. So I don't know what the fuck to think anymore.

Busy Bee

2006-01-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

I'm back in school and enjoying it. I did pretty well last semester. My GPA was 3.5 so I'm pretty happy with that. It's certainly better than my GPA from my first attempt at college right after highschool. I can't remember what my GPA was then, but it was pathetically low. This semester I'm taking Sign Language, US Women's History, and Orientation to Early Childhood Development. I'll be taking a different Child Development class each semester, except for the summer terms because the counselor I spoke to said I should take a fun class during that time like art or music since the classes are usually several hours long. My friend K says that when she went to City College, she took an art class where she could play music with some headphones and just paint or whatever kind of art she wanted to work on. That sounds like absolute heaven to me. But I think I'll just focus on this semester for right now.

I'm going to have to put off ttc for a month or so while I get my medical insurance taken care of and my doctor's appointments out of the way. Plus, we may be changing methods of insemination. The sperm bank raised their prices this month, and I had already been considering doing IUI instead ICI at home (since I haven't had any luck yet). IUI was laready more expensive so we need to save money for the higher prices. IUI at least has higher chance of conceiving per cycle than ICI which has the same chance as a single act of intercourse. I hate when this shit happens. What's even more frustrating is when talking about hoping for pregnancy with someone who is perfectly fertile, they're like, "Oh I know how hard it can be when it takes time to conceive." I'm thinking, "No, you don't have a clue. All you have to worry about is how many times you and your husband have to take a romp in bed. You don't have to choose between paying your bills and conceiving a child. You don't have a damn clue how hard it is to know that the money which we should be putting away for things like a car and baby furniture is going towards insemination costs."But instead I just smile and say "Thanks."

OK, rant over with. So that's what's going on with me lately. How are you all? Do I even have readers anymore? Probably not. That's why I didn't even bother which that delurkers week, because actually, I was afraid that I'd still ge no comments and would feel like a punk for trying to solicit them in the first place. :oP

Crappy Days

2006-01-19T06:25:00.000-08:00

Tuesday morning, Wednesday morning, and now Thursday morning, have all started out crappy. One could even call them fucked up mornings. Being back to school is over-whelming and I'm working a LOT. My husband, this morning, says to our roommate that he never sees me, so when he does see me he acts like an asshole. That's real fair. I can't seem to fucking win with him this week. Everything I do seems to wrong, everything I say or don't say is wrong. This morning, because I asked him to leave me money the wrong way (I was confused since I was not even completely awake yet) He left without a kiss good-bye. I apologized to him and said I wasn't very rational when I first wake up (which he already fucking knows) and he said "Well you haven't been very rational the last couple of days." I told him, "Well, I've had a couple of really bad days." His response was, "Maybe someday you'll learn." And he just walked out and left. Thus starting off crappy day #3. I guess this is what happens when I have evil thoughts, I am punished with 3 bad days. I don't know what to say to him, though. I don't want to just pretend that this never happened, but if I bring it up again, it will become this big thing that we end up fighting about the rest of the evening, and I'm too damn tired for that. I just want to be able to have a nice meal and go to bed early tonight. And maybe spend some quality time with my husband if he's done being an asshole.

Jealousy Aside

2006-01-15T16:24:00.000-08:00

My step sister found out last week that her baby had stopped developing and had to have a D&C. My jealousy aside, I would never ever wish that on anybody and I can imagine how hard this must be for her. Makes me also feel kinda silly for feeling the way I felt when I found out that she was pregnant, but the evil side of me still felt, well, let's just say I was not disappointed to know that I now had a chance of being the next one in the family to have a baby. Hm.

I Could Fucking SCREAM

2005-12-28T12:06:00.000-08:00

My ex-stepmother has been in town since last week. I made no effort to see her for several reasons (one being that I'm still mad about her telling my dad about Greg). My sister flew into town late Monday night and ESM (ex-stepmother) is now playing this game where they don't have time to see me. I am actually supposed to be having lunch with them right now. We made plans for this the other day. Then I talked to ESM about an hour ago and she informed me that today will not work out ofter all because they decided to make other plans. If I'm not working during lunch time tomorrow, then they might be able to fit me in. Otherwise, they might be able to see me on the 1st or 2nd of January when they're back from Monterey for a couple of days before going back to Texas. ESM has made it quite apparent that getting together with me is the very bottom of her priority list. Granted, seeing her is pretty low on my own priority list, but damn it, I want to see my sister! I really could care less about the rest of them. And by them I mean ESM's brother and his wife. They actually live in San Francisco too but I never see them because our lives have absolutely nothing in common aside from location. Plus, they invited me & Greg to their x-mas eve party this year which they apparently have every year. They have never bothered to invite us to the party before. The only reason we were invited this year is because ESM was in town. So they obviously don't care that much about socializing with me either. Not a big deal. What IS a big deal to me is not being able to see my sister when she's in town for more than a week. All because of family political bullshit. I fucking hate it. To make matters worse, Greg is mad at me because I don't want to cuss ESM out and tell her to fuck off. I don't want to yell and have a huge falling out with her. So now, I'm a coward according to Greg. This week has sucked major ass so far. At least Christmas day wasn't so bad.

Bloody Holidays

2005-12-26T11:37:00.000-08:00

So I bet you can guess from the title of this post what happened this morning. Yep. AF showed this morning, hot & heavy. This makes dealing with my step-sister being pregnant that much harder. Fuck! Also, looking at the baby shoes Greg gave me last year made me burst into tears. No baby in 2005 for me. Trying not to be depressed. Not having very good luck at it.

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-24T10:40:00.000-08:00

So I just wanted to tell everyone Happy (insert holiday)! I hope you all have a good time celebrating.

Regarding ttc, my temp dipped this morning! but that could possibly be because I was awake for 2 hours (from 3-5 am) unable to sleep. Also, I normally temp at around 8:50 am and my temp this morning was done at about 8:15. I hate this waiting!!!! So I'm trying to not think about it too much (yeah right).

Anyway..... Love and hugs to everyone and lets all decide that no matter what, we're going to MAKE next year be better, eh?

No Fair

2005-12-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

WARNING: Childishness and pettyness ahead.

I found out the other day that my step sister who already has a 9 month old baby, is pregnant again. I am happy for her because she's a good person, a good mom, and just generally nice. But I really, really wanted to be the next person in my family to be pregnant. It's just not fair. Of course it doesn't help that she's Martha Stewart Jr (very good at cooking, baking, arts & crafts, etc.). Ugh. I just want it to be my turn, ya know? It would be kind of cool to have our kids close in age. I still have my little petty hope of having the fist grandson.

The Post I Almost Posted

2005-12-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I started writing a post about World AIDS Day but I didn't get to finish it. Today I won't get to finish it because I'm flying to San Diego for my dad's 50th birthday party. So I'll try to finish it when I'm up there.

No Luck

2005-11-26T21:07:00.000-08:00

The witch found me today, on the way home from Monterey, where Greg and I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with my dad and step mom. I had a mostly good time but I'm sure glad to be home. The bed we had to sleep in was way too small and the shower sucked. But we were right by the beach and the air smelled wonderful. Anyway, we were unfortunately visiting some odd relatives of my step-mom's when I realized my period had started. It was difficult for me to sit there and pretend to be pleasant. Also, Greg was just tired of being around all these people for so long (we're both just not that social), so we went outside after a bit while they all babbled about stupid shit inside. It was sooo nice to come home and take a nice long bath. I'm cramping pretty badly, but at least my period didn't come late. That would have made it worse, I think. So, on to next cycle.

Triphasic!

2005-11-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

At least Fertility Friend says it's possible. Man I hope this isn't too good to be true.

First Official Cycle

2005-11-19T13:49:00.000-08:00

It's about damn time, huh? I feel foolish for being so hopeful that it will work right away, but I can't help it. Greg is really excited about it too. He keeps asking me "Are you pregnant yet?" I sure fucking hope so!* I'm just starting the second week of the 2ww and already on symptom watch. Of course, now I have a cold so any symptoms I may have will probably be masked by the cold symptoms. Although last night my breasts started to become tender, but that's nothing special. They always get sore about a week before af is due. BTW, I was reading earlier today that strong pms can be caused by estrogen dominance. Anyone have any experience with that? Please feel free to comment if you do.

I was having trouble sleeping earlier this week and on Thursday morning, at 8 o'clock sharp, our neighbors had hired contractors to re-roof their house. The roofers decided to start at the corner tha happened to be right near my bedroom. Living in San Francisco means we don't have side yards. The houses in most neighborhoods touch on the sides. This meant that all the debris that came off the neighbor's roof not only came into our backyard, but it kept hitting my window. The first day, they came into our backyard (without asking permission) to access the side of the house that wasn't flush against ours, they moved our ladders and didn't put them back, but at least they swept up after themselves. The second day (Friday) was pretty much the same but they never bothered to sweep up their mess. While I understand that there's nothing that can be done about the houses being so close together, I still find it irritating. The same way I find it irritating that they made the sidewalks in some residential neighborhoods (like ours) 4 squares wide instead of the normal 1 square width, thus giving us no or very little front yard and no driveway to park in. As much as I like the people and politics of this city, I really dislike the planning aspect (the lack of parking, the fact that houses are scrunched so close together, the traffic lights that cause more problems than they solve). I really don't want to move away from this city, but it's just not very child-friendly. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

*If my cussing offends you, I apologize. But I won't stop doing it.

Dear Milenka

2005-11-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry you're hurting right now. I wish I knew the right words to say that will make everything better, but that's just not possible. I hate that feeling of helplessness. I consider you my friend and I wish there was some way I could be there for you. If all I can do is send a cyber-hug, than here it is (as corny as it seems):

Damn Hormones

2005-11-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

I really, really hope I never have to use hormone therapy to get pregnant, because it will be really hard on me, I can already tell. I have strong hormonal swings as it is... I've had problems with birth control pills in the past. Emotionally, I have a hard time dealing with the hormone fluctuations. Having those fluctuations increased by having to take clomid or something (like for IVF) would be hell, not only for me but for my husband. That's another big reason why Greg and I don't want to go the IVF route to achieve pregnancy even though most places in the US will still only provide ART for serodiscordant couples using IVF. What is especially frustrating is that I can't find any information regarding current California laws for ART using sperm from the HIV+ husband. As far as I know the law is that doctors in California are not allowed to use any donated sperm from a man who has tested + for HIV even if he is the spouse of the woman who is getting the ART. Here is the actual text of the law: Health and Safety Code § 1621.5

1621.5. (a) It is a felony punishable by imprisonment in the state prison for two, four, or six years, for any person to donate blood, body organs or other tissue, semen to any medical center or semen bank that receives semen for purposes of artificial insemination, or breast milk to any medical center or breast milk bank that receives breast milk for purposes of distribution, whether he or she is a paid or a volunteer donor, who knows that he or she has acquired immune deficiency syndrome, as diagnosed by a physician and surgeon, or who knows that he or she has tested reactive to the etiologic agent of AIDS or to the antibodies to that agent. This section shall not apply to any person who is mentally incompetent or who self-defers his or her blood at a blood bank or plasma center pursuant to subdivision (b) of Section 1603.3 or who donates his or her blood for purposes of an autologous donation.

It frustrates the hell out of me because the cost of doing the sperm cleaning and IVF procedure (which until recently was the only procedure recommened by the CDC) is expensive enough as it is without having to travel out of state too. But the CDC's new recommendation, as far as I know, has done nothing to change California's law. But who do I contact to change this? I have no idea what steps to take. Any ideas? Anybody?

Another One Bites the Dust

2005-10-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

As another cycle comes to an end and the end of the year draws closer, I find myself dwelling on our baby-making plans. At the beginning of this year I was so sure I would be pregnant by the end of it. But here it is the end of October, no pregnancy so far. We haven't even been able to try most of the year due to money or insurance. I just feel so defeated. But at the same time should I even be bothering with ttc? Should I wait until I at least have my associates degree? I don't know! I don't know what the right thing to do is. I do know that it's absolute torture to have such realistic dreams about having a baby and the dreams feeling SO REAL and then to wake up and realize that none of it is actually true. My heart aches and there is a hole there that only a child could fill. I'm not against adoption at all, but I've been told that it will be close to impossible for us to adopt because of our situation. It makes me cry. It makes me cry.

This and That

2005-10-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

I really don't have anything to blog about. I just felt like I should check in or something. I have acrylic nails that I got for K's wedding and have kept since. This weekend I tried to fill them myself. Let me tell ya, that's not a good idea. I keep trying to convince myself that they look fine as long as you're not looking closely at them, but I know that within the week I'll be sulking into a salon sheepishly begging for help. I just know those ladies will be shaking their heads talking about me in their native language, whatever it is. But that's ok. I've been babysitting a lot. It's really great experience for me especially for my child development class. The class I'm taking is Intro to Violence Intervention, but I never encounter kids that have been abused or traumatized. However, that doesn't mean I won't ever in the future. Besides, a lot of what I'm learning can be used in every day dealings with children, like how it's a natural stage for toddlers to have seperation anxiety because their brains are developing the connections that release chemicals that are soothing like serotonin. I thought babysitting would help ease my desire for a child, but it doesn't. It only increases it. But it has helped me understand the realities a little clearer.

Changed My Mind

2005-09-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

I decided I like this template better.

New Template

2005-09-22T14:35:00.000-07:00

I got this new template from the same site the old one: http://blogger-templates.blogspot.com I wish I knew how to have a menu set up that can switch the templates at will. Any ideas?

Anyway, I just wanted somehting different. I was bored with the other one but there's a good chance I'll switch between the two once in awhile anyway.

By the way, in order to see my side bar, just click on the black and white + sign in the top right-hand corner.

Fucking Fertility Friend

2005-09-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

Why can't they tell if I've ovulated? It seems pretty obvious to me that according to my temps I most likely ovulated on CD 14. But I guess because my temps afterward aren't high enough FF isn't registering that I ovulated. Not that it means a whole lot since this cycle got shot to hell anyway. We were going to inseminate this cycle but we didn't have the money or time. I'm so damn tired of putting this off indefinitely. I know I should just focus on school right now, but I don't want to wait 2, 4, or 6 more years to have a baby. I'm not getting any younger and my husband damn sure isn't. But anyway, I'd really appreciate it if anybody reading this can check out my FF home page and vote in my ovulation poll, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

And how's this for insane: I have a babysitting job today from 11:30 am to 3:00 pm. Then I have a job this evening from 6:00 pm to 1 or 2:00 am. Then I have a job tomorrow morning from 8:45 am to 12:45 pm. I wish I didn't need the money so bad and I really wish these jobs could be more spread out. I hate when I don't get a weekend. Every other free minute I have left of this weekend will be spent doing homework. Oh joy.

I've Tried Writing This Post Three (3!) Times

2005-09-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Let's hope the third times a charm! Anyway... I promised you all I would review the last book series I read. It is called the series of The Banned and the Banished and it is by James Clemens. Click on the "BookShelf" link and then click on "All Books Chronologically" to read the summaries of the five books in this series. I absolutely loved this series. I could not put the book down for anything! Even when I had friends over I was sneaking peeks at whatever book I was reading. I was so relieved to get to the end just because the story was so intense. But in a good way. I really enjoyed the introductions to the books because it made this mythical world seem so much more real. So, if you like sci-fi/fantasy stories with a tiny bit of romance mixed in (not so much to make you gag) I highly recommend this series for you.

K & A finally got married! As you'll see on the ticker at the bottom, it's been almost 2 weeks. They left early this morning for their honeymoon in Aruba, the lucky punks.

I'm so happy for them. Here's a picture of the wedding party:

I am directly to K's right in this picture. You might recognize me from a previous picture I posted. And my darling friend Anita is right next to me. We had a really good time and got to sing a lot during the reception. One of the songs that we sang as an official part of the reception was Seasons of Love from Rent. It was a lot of fun, but I was so worn out afterward from the previous week, what with the bachelorette party being at my house the previous Wednesday and all. By the way, this is the stripper we had:

I also wanted to thank all of my readers for coming and reading my blather! I have had more than 10,000 visits since I started my blog in late February, 2004. I'm very honored to have you all. So again, thank you so much!

A Sure-Fire Way to Upset Me

2005-09-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

Kill a living being in my house in front of me. You are guaranteed to get a negative reaction out of me. I can't stand to see something die for no reason. A honey bee had just found it's way into our home and when I told my husband and asked for help, he just grabbed a broom and killed it. If anybody knows me at all, they know I don't kill bugs, I escort them out of the house. Even when I'm afraid of them. I have a slight fear of bees, having been stung when I was a kid, but I still don't believe that means they deserve to die just because they got lost and ended up where they shouldn't be. Most people think I'm silly for this, but I feel very strongly about it. That bee was part of a colony, part of a family. All it was doing was looking for pollen. And Greg doesn't understand why I'm upset about this. Maybe crying about it is too much but what if that were him or me who happened to get killed because we got lost and ended up in the wrong place? It's not ok. It's extremely disrespectful to our Creator and to Mother Earth. And it really bothers me that some species of life is considered more valuable than others based on their cuteness factor, usually. My husband would never dream of killing a dog or cat that got into our house, but a mouse or bug he would. He knows how I feel about it and usually agrees with me. I can't understand why he did this just now.

Updated to add: Another bee just came into our house, I believe, looking for his lost colony mate. That's another reason why you shouldn't kill bees: the rest of the colony might come looking for it and want revenge. I just think it's bad luck all around. I made sure to personally let this guy out. No more killings in my house, thankyouverymuch.

Back to School

2005-08-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm all registered for my classes. My first class starts in 2 weeks, August 17th to be exact. I can't believe it. I'm really looking forward to it, though. I can also look for a part-time job now, too. I'm probably going to have to do some type of clerical work while I'm in school, but that's ok because I know it's just to help pay the bills, not a dead-end job I'll be stuck with forever. My dad's wife gave me a wonderful monetary gift of $500 to help pay for fees and books, I'm so happy about that. It pays for everything for the first semester at City College.

Well, I can't think of much else to write now, so I'll write more later. Maybe tell you all about this cool series I'm about to finish reading... Have a good day!

Trying on New Attitudes

2005-07-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and in the process have found that a lot of my problem is my attitude about stuff. For example, I'll do a half-ass job on cleaning the house and think to myself, "Well, it looks pretty good." Greg on the other hand will only see the stuff that didn't get done. He is, by far, the better house cleaner. He has strong hands and arms that can scrub stains out that I could never do. I'm also slow-moving. My point is that my best is mediocre compared to Greg's best. He just has a special knack for it. Maybe that special knack comes with the obsessive need for no clutter. I'm a pack rat of the worst kind and he's a minimalist. A hell of a combination, don't you think? Luckily he understands that and doesn't expect me to clean the house to his standards. However, He does expect me to do my best when I do clean and I haven't been doing that. So I've given myself the mantra, "I don't feel like it is NOT ACCEPTABLE." It's not easy for me to keep but I've been forcing myself to.

I'm also signing up for SF City College in the fall. I'll major in Child Development and try to specialize in children with special needs. That's something I've always been interested in, especially since my older sister has Down Syndrome and I also have a cousin with Asperger's Syndrome. I'm having a bit of trouble locating my highschool transcripts because what my school has on file is in storage that is unreachable until the fall. So I'm hoping my dad has copies on file for the time being. I'm not even going to bother mentioning my one sememster at Whittier College where I failed three classes, which, coincidentally were my first 3 morning classes.

Trying to be the Perfect Wife

2005-07-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well, the bottom line is that it's not working out very well right now. So much crap has happened since my last post. I wrote a letter to my birth mother and told her about Greg's HIV and she wrote back to me telling me that I should leave him and said a bunch of really mean things in her letter. Then I found out that she had also wrote to my grandfather and told him a bunch of shit lies and that my family need to "save" me from my husband. On top of that, he's been unhappy with me for various reasons. I've gained weight. Life kinda sucks. I'm working on dealing with all of this but I'm not doing a very good job. According to Greg I'm terribly lazy and never get anything done. He takes it personally when he asks me to do something the next day at bedtime and I can't remember what it was he asked. When he asks me to do something for him I don't do it in a timely manner, forget about it or get too involved in whatever fucking TV show I'm watching. Why can't I just stay away from the fucking TV? Because it's an escape. Why do I constantly avoid work? Why do I avoid anything that takes effort? I'm half afraid of change I think because I'm afraid I'm going to turn into some anal-rententive bitch that I really don't like. But I don't like who I am right now either. So what do I do? How do I wake up tomorrow and be somebody different? When I ask people, they say, "Well, you just do it." But how do you make yourself? I mean what do you use as a sort of mental cattle prod to get your ass in gear? And where do I find my mental cattle prod? Every time I make a step forward, I slide right back. Where the hell is the balance? How can I be a person I like and a good wife?

I wish I could start right now. Snap my fingers and be the new me. But it doesn't work that way. And when I slip and lose my grip on myself, my husband takes it peronally because he doesn't slip when it comes to the important things. Sure, I wish he would stop goosing me all the time or that we could have more real conversations. I wish when we were talking abpout politics he would make me feel like I'm wrong just because our opinions are different. I wish when he was unhappy with me that he could find a balance between yelling at me and not talking to me at all. But he always makes sure our bills get paid, the house gets cleaned, and the dog gets taken care of by someone. He's been putting money away into savings (I am still contributing money towards bills since I'm getting unemployment checks). But what do I do to contribute to this marriage? Not enough. But I don't what is enough. Will I ever blossom into the kind of wife that Greg is looking for? What mistakes am I allowed to make without Greg getting mad? I mean, the things he does that irritate me are simply that: irritations. But what I do makes Greg mad. I know it takes two to tango, but will we ever get to the point where what I do is only irritating rather than maddening? What exactly will it take to get there? When I ask Greg he only says I don't get it but when I explain that I'm trying to, he only repeats the same thing over and over again. Jeez, this post probably makes no sense. Bottom line is, I want to be a good wife to Greg, but I can't help but wonder if it's even possible for me to be that be that person for him.

Is this a personality conflict or are there steps I can take to change myself dramatically enough but not so much that I'm not me anymore? That's what I'd really like to figure out.

Guess What?

2005-05-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

My life and marriage are going to shit, and I'm 90% responsible for it. I can't claim responsibility for Greg's dad dying, nor can I claim responsibility for a couple of foolish investments he made. But those are mere drops in a bucket compared to what I've done to contibute. Let's see...I've been fired from three jobs within a year, I have made countless irresponsible spending decisions. Too many to even name. I haven't kept any of my promises to Greg that would help our situation. I have done nothing but procrastinate on everything I said I would do and gave countless excuses as to why I couldn't do them at the time. Now, a lot of people would say I'm being too hard on myself. I assure you I am not. It would be shameful for me to add to all of this by denying that it's true. Now, the question is, what the fuck am I going to do about it? What can I do to fix things? I can't undo anything I've already done, but what steps (besides getting and keeping a job) can I take to make this better? I don't want to lose my marriage over this, but I can't keep making our lives miserable because I won't hold up my end of the bargain. I need to grow the fuck up, but knowing it and doing it are 2 different things. I just want us to be reasonably happy again.

Our dreams of having a family keep getting pushed farther and farther back because I can't grow up and be responsible. So, I guess that's probably a good thing, in a way. How the hell am I supposed to be a good mom when I can't even get my shit together?

Wonky Cycle

2005-05-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

My period was due Sunday and it still hasn't shown up. I'm beginning to suspect I ovulated later than originally thought. It's a cruel trick to play on me right now. My cycles have never been longer than 31 days. I'm on CD 34 now. I don't dare to hope because it's so unlikely, but... Oh man this is driving me crazy. I am so hormonal right now too. I've peed on 3 different sticks to try to get af started, but with no luck so far. Very, very frustrating.

Sorrow and Hope

2005-05-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry it took me so long to post this... I kept thinking there was more to add to it but I can't think of what...This post was originally written on 4/26/05

On Wednesday April 20, 2005 at 7:55 pm EDT Greg's father passed away. Greg called me 5 minutes later in tears to tell me the news. I made reservations that night to fly to Kentucky the next day. Those next 4 days were some of the longest and most exhausting of my life so far. The viewing was on Friday. That was a very strange experience but I was able to somewhat seperate myself from it a little by explaining to our 6-year-old niece the difference between the body and the soul or spirit. Both Greg and his sister asked me to sing at the funeral. I was touched and honored to be asked. It was nice to see his family again and let go of past grudges. Kind of a fresh start. Even the bitchy cousin was there and acted nice.

This experience has effected Greg far more than he expected it to.

Lost and Found

2005-04-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

This morning my husband received a phone call from his sister. She told him their dad's kidneys had both shut down over night. She said the doctors figure that he has about 48 hours give or take left to live. So my husband, Greg (he has given me permission to use his name) was picked up by a cab at 7:53 this evening and headed for the airport. His flight left around 10:25 pm.

There is so much going through my mind right now. I called my dad before Greg left because I got the overwhelming urge to connect with my dad. He and I have been through so much shit in the 24 years that we have known each other and I obviously have issues with him if you've read any of of my blog. If not, you can browse through the archives. I'm feeling too lazy to find the relevant posts to link to. But anyway, my dad was really glad I called. He seemed to be a bit down in the dumps. He and his wife recently bought a new house and moved in about three weeks ago. He's also moving his office (he owns his business) to a workshop on the proerty of their new house. He siad he he needed my call too. So I'm really glad I called. I've been trying to call him more often about random stuff so he doesn't feel like I only call when I need something from him. As much as I hate to admit it, I could see why he felt that way...

The reason I titled this post Lost and Found was because Greg's father's imminent death got me thinking a lot about the oppertunities to connect with our parents that we have both lost and found in the process of growing up. I know that Greg has a lot of regrets when it comes to how much time he spent with his father. He feels that as the oldest he should have been the one to take care of his dad 10 years ago. But the fact of the matter is that Greg just wasn't able to. The way Greg's life panned out is what created who Greg was during that time period and even now. I know this is a bit confusing, but I'll have to do a seperate post about Greg's life story. Well, one day I plan to write a book about his life story. Then I'll do my life story and then they story of how we met. It sounds egotistical on the surface, but it's a pretty interesting story. You'll see.

Anyway, he has made an effort in the past couple of year to re-connect with his dad by way of phone calls and letters. We went to Indiana for a family reunion last summer and it was wonderful for me to meet NR and even better for Greg to spend time with him. NR was so sweet and easy to get along with. When we got to the reunion, he took my hand and said he was going to introduce me to everyone. Every other weekend Greg would call his dad and shoot the breeze with him, usually talking about sports.

I very easily could have become estranged from my dad and the rest of the family had I followed the same path Greg did. But he helped me to stay clear of that while still being cool. Crap. I'm getting way too tired to complete this post coherently. I'll have to finish it tomorrow or something. Good night y'all.

The Ball is Rolling...Kind of

2005-04-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I have faxed in all of my information to PRS and they called me back today to set up a phone consultation tomorrow afternoon. Oh crap, I just realized I'm going to have to reschedule the consultation or something because I can't pay the fee until after we pay rent. Maybe te clinic will let me send a post-dated check. It can't hurt to ask...

Also, we need to put in our donor request in more advance notice so we won't be inseminating until next cycle. As frustrated as I am about that I also realize that I have been procrastinating, perhaps due to my underlying fears of not being ready or not being a good parent.

I've gone off the Welbutrin and am now weaning myself from Prozac. I've certainly noticed how the lower dosage of Prozac effects my mood. I've felt PMSy wen I shouldn't. I've had much less motivation than usualy, which ius bad because I have low motivation to begin with. That's just a nice way of saying I'm lazy. One strange product of depression is that it causes some people (like me) to not care enough about anything. Or I swing from not caring to just being down in the dumps. I'll have moments where I don't know why I'm here. I feel useless as a human being. I don't have the drive or desire to be productive the way most people are and I hate that in myself. It aften feels like there are two people inside me. There's one who is irresponsible and just wants to party or hang out all the time with not a care in the world. The other one has goals and dreams and a sense of resposibility to family, friends, the community, and the world. Thinks everyone should contribute to society one way or another. Those two personalities don't get along very well. One thinks the other is far too lazy and the other thinks the first is far too stuffy. How the hell do I balance these out? I refuse to become one of those people who complain about being busy all the time but are only doing it to themselves. But wen I start to relax, it is so hard to start back up with getting work done. It's really hard for me to force myself to stay focused on what I'm doing and keep at it. I wish I knew why it was easier for other people. For me, if I've been working on something for more than 15 minutes, my brain starts to go numb, like when you sit still for too long and your foot goes numb. I can read for hours with no problem but if I have to do try to let's say, put in a supply order, check for delivery confirmations, and sort mail without stopping in between those tasks, it's impossible. I don't know why. I hate it.

Finally!

2005-03-15T08:32:00.000-08:00

I actually made it to my ob/gyn appointment yesterday! Yay! I know it seems a rather mundane thing to be excited about, but to me this is the first step towards getting pregnant. DH is starting to come around to the idea of using the microbicidal gel that is just as effective as condoms for preventing infection. If any of you are interested, you can read more about it here: http://freedomantiviral.addr.com/prefix.htm This will make it possible for me to have my husband's child. OMG!!!!!!! I hope so!!!!!!!!!!! Anybody who prays, please pray that this is so. Anyone who does spells, incantations, or incense burning, please keep my hubby and me in your thoughts the next time you do...

Anyway...I'll call this doc Dr. B. She did a vaginal ultrasound on me because as she was doing the pelvic exam, she assumed she was feeling my intestines but wanted to make sure. I told her that I was willing to bet that I was ovulating from the right side this month based on the twinge I felt on that side during the pelvic exam. When she did the scan, she said, "I bet you're right about ovulating on the right side because there's your follicle. She showed me tho other ovary which didn't have a follicle. My uterine walls were in very good shape and nice and thick. Dr. B. said she doesn't foresee any problems with me conceiving.

I am so excited!!!!!!

Kira Lynn

2005-03-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

My new step-niece, born 3/3/05 2:00 pm in Alaska. Interestingly, it was 3:00 here in SF when she was born and right around that time I thought to myself, "I wonder if Kira has been born yet? I should call my dad and ask." An hour and a half later my little sis called to tell me the news. I had a psychic moment. How cool. :oD

Irish Luck

2005-03-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

It seems that I'm due to ovulate on St. Patrick's Day. Seeing as I am nearely half Irish and raised as a catholic, I thought that would be a great day to do a fertility spell, lol. I know all the basics about casting spells and such. Here are a few that I've found. Which do you gals (and guys) think is the best one?

CAST A CIRCLE, CALL QUARTERS ETC (WHEREVER YOU DO)REPEAT 5 TIMES [ONCE TO EACH DIRECTION & ONCE LOOKING DOWN AT YOUR CRADLED ARMS]
TO YOU MY CHILD, MY BODY IS OPEN.TO YOU MY CHILD, MY MIND IS OPEN.TO YOU MY CHILD, MY HEART IS OPEN.BY EARTH, FIRE, WIND & SEA,INTO MY ARMS YOU WILL BE.

----------------------------------------------------

Patchouli oil Sandalwood incense 2 pine cones3 wheat heads Green Candle Green marker and paperRub the oil on the candle and anoint yourself around the womb area with a drop of oil.Light the candle and incense and place the pine cones and wheat into a cauldron or container.Visualize your magickal goal and use the marker to draw yourself on the right hand side of thepaper as you are now - draw yourself as you want to be on the left side (flat belly - pregnant bellywill do just fine) visualize your goal while drawing - when you feel you've visualized enough tear thepaper in half and fold the left side with your goal drawn on it into a small square and place it in yourpocket then light the other paper in the candle flame and place it in the cauldron to burn.Chant or pray for your goal to be realized as you watch the paper burn. Bury the contents of thecauldron in your yard - preferable a garden - leave an offering of a small crumb of cake on a crystalplate for any good spirits or fairies who might happen by.Stay positive so you don't attract the attention of any jealous or bad fairies!Keep the paper with your goal drawn on it with you at all times until your wish is granted thenyou can place it in a safe place for luck.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

You will need the following:--ace of wands, 10 of cups, the SUN,--something for a baby you bought specifically for this ritual (a bib, a small blanket...etc.....),--9 red candles.Light the candles and lay out the tarot cards one by one.Visualize yourself finding out your pregnant, staring at a positive pregnancy test. Repeat the following:With these cards and with this spell- I call upon the good and helpful powers.I desire to start a family - I desire energy and love to continue.This small item (hold up the baby item) is the token of the commitment we are ready to make.We are ready to love our children - we are ready to teach our children and we are ready tohave our children. so it is - so it shall be!Seal this spell with kisses and hugs followed by the actions necessary to start a family.Seashells represent fertility. She can create a small seashell altar in her bedroom.If she wants to add a deity, I'd use the Goddess of Willendorf.Any round and fertile/pregnant goddess will work, and there are many!Holed stones are also symbols of fertility.Have her carry one her person or have her wear one around her neck as a charm.Placing one by the bed or between the matters is also good. Eat healthy!Diet plays an extreme part in fertility. Use visualization.She must be relaxed. Also, studies show that when the man and woman climax together,the woman has a higher chance of conception. Full moons... In tribal times and pre-electricity,women would ovulate around the Full Moon and menstruate around the Dark or New Moon.One way to get yourself onto this cycle is to start paying more attention to the phases ofthe moon and also going out under the moon for even a minute or two.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Moon Phase: Waxing to FullTime of day: The time you are usually most creative, for me it is the morningProps: Sandalwood incense for mental fertility, Peach incense for physical fertility.Tools: Incense burner.Gods/Goddesses to Call (choose 1 or 2): Diana, Freyer, Ishtar, Liber, Liberia, Brigit, Cerridwen, Cernunnos.Food and Drink: Salad of shredded carrots, cucumber, and rice with an olive oil and garlicdressing (served cold, use brown rice) a banana for dessert.Tea: PeachDo what you need to do to prepare for ritual. cast a circle and invoke your deities.State your purpose and goal. Make it VERY specific.Light your incense. Imagine the incense filling that part of you that you wish fertility to touch.It must fill you, grow around you and touch every part of you.Starting in the east you face each of the four directions imploring them:East: "Watchtowers of Air send your winds to wash the stagnant part of me away"South: "Watchtowers of Fire send your heat to fire my (brain, womb, loins)"West: "Watchtowers of Water fill me with fertilityNorth: "Great Goddess, Mother, I make me as fertile as your rainforests, your oceansyou are fill me with life and hope"Lie on the floor head toward the north arms and legs outstretched. If you are not alonehave your significant other or coven mates place their hand above your loins (not touching)or head and send you healing energy."Oh great _____ I implore you to fill me with ripened fruit that I may bear __________.Fill my (womb/loins/mind) with power and light."Feel your body fill with power. Feel the power emanate from the place you wish to be fertile.Kneel before your alter: The HPs blesses the food and tea.You eat the food with your fingers imagining the food feeding that which about you is infertile,you then drink the tea in one draught. (This is not meant to be a meal, merely fill you with theenergy of the food).Close your circle in a normal manner. Ground and center.If you are doing the spell to be physically fertile be sure and have unprotected sex within 24 hours.*for female physical fertility this spell should be done 14 days after a woman's cycle begins.For a man it does not matter.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During your most fertile time (usually 2 days before, during and after ovulation), light 9 white candles in your bedroom. Place them around your bed. Sit or stand nude with your partner facing the North and repeat the following: "With one mind, we call to thee.With one heart, we long for theeChilde of Earth, Wind, Fire & Sea,In to our lives, we welcome thee" Turn to the East, then South, then West, repeating this incantation each time you do so. Proceed as nature requires. Repeat this spell each of the 5 nights before intercourse (insemination).

Outted!

2005-02-28T21:39:00.000-08:00

DH and I have been outted to the family by my sister's mom, my ex step mom regarding DH being HIV+ in case you didn't read the About Me section.. So I figured, well, here I am. :o)

This and That

2005-02-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

My God it sure is nice to be back in the land of living. I haven't been sick like that in just over 7 years. I had a fever of 102 f. That might not seem like all that much to some of you, but for me, that was a really high fever. I felt like I was outside of my body half the time and hallucinating the other half. I was really not in the mood to go back to work today. I guess I got too used to being home. It is nice to not be cooped up anymore, though.

AD ended up having her abortion on 2/12 instead of 2/18 as originally planned because her dad made plans to visit her on the 18th. Neither he nor AD's mom know about the abortion. In my post dated 2/1/05 I had mentioned that I was surprised I was dealing with the whole thing as well as I was. Ironically, af showed up just a few hours later (2 days earlier than it was supposed to, at that) and I was very much not OK with it all. I was never mad at AD but it just seemed so incredibly unfair that here I was bleeding with my period being early and her being pregnant, when it should have been ME who was pregnant and her getting her period. I couldn't help being mad at God at the time. Why God, is she pregnant when she SO doesn't want to be, while I, who very much wants to be pregnant, have to keep WAITING! When I spoke to her Sunday night, the 13th, I cried for her and for me.

Then I managed to rally myself because I had my ob/gyn appointment on the 14th. How exciting! I was finally going to get things started! I missed the motherfucking appointment because it was raining like hell and I couldn't get a bus or a cab if my life depended on it. The next soonest available appointment wasn't until March 14th. So I went ahead and scheduled it. My dear friend DJ said maybe the universe had a good reason for me missing the appointment. All I can say is it better be a DAMN good reason.

I fucking hate traveling. It fucks up my health, it fucks up my schedule, and my family is way too disfunctional. I'm supposed to go with my sister to Arizona for a weekend next moth. God I don't want to go. My sister was supposed to come here to SF for her spring break, but her mom conveniently forgot about that when her own parents offered to pay for my sister to fly to AZ to see them. So as a consolation prize, they're flying me out too but just for the weekend so I don't miss any more work. I just want to stay home and have my sis with me. Although I've always had the feeling that neither parent will trust me enough to have my sis alone until I'm at least pregnant with a child of my own. That's just how they are.

So ttc has been pushed back a couple of months. I'm tired of obsessing about it with nothing to show for it, so I'm just going to focus on my health. I need to get this psoriasis cleared up. My dermatologist even said I have a pretty extensive break-out right now. I'm going to try his prescription ointments as well as dietary changes. Whatever works. I need to get off my caffeine kick, though because I know it is effecting my skin. Also, a modified blood type diet seems to help a lot with my skin. DH got us new gym memberships while I was in Texas, so I'm starting back at the gym today. One of the nice things about living in The City is that there are so many gyms near by to choose from. I work near the 24-hour fitness at 100 California Street. I'm really looking forward to going back to the gym. Many people would say to me, "Why do you need to go to the gym? You're so skinny!" So I'm telling you now. It's for my health and my skin. It's so that I don't feel like I've run a marathon after walking up the hill to my house. It's so I can play with my dog for more than 5 minutes without being fucking tired. I mean, what will I do when I have kids? But mostly, I'm going to the gym so I can look like a hotty when I'm naked.

His Assholiness

2005-02-15T11:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess my dad just couldn't help himself. Just like the drama queen that he is, he had to ruin a perfectly good weekend in San Antonio because he didn't get his way. Let's start at the beginning. About a month ago my dad asked me if I wanted to meet him and his wife in Texas to visit my little sister during the weekend before Valentine's Day (this past weekend). He would pay for the ticket and it would be a suprise for my sister. He told me not to tell sister's mom (SM) because he didn't want her ruining the suprise. I ended up having to tell her though because she kept wanting to make plans with me to go out there to visit and I had to let her know why I couldn't make those plans with her. She understood that it was a suprise for my sisterand had no problem keeping it a secret. However, she immedialtely started thinking up ways to spend some time with me and my sister even though my dad was paying for the trip. Without going into too much boring detail here, I arranged with SM to spend an hour or so with her and sis and asked Dad if it was alright. He said yes. Turns out that he was not OK with it and expected me to read his mind and know that already despite what he said. Basically he said it was my choice but then punished me (by being a sulking asshole) for making the "wrong" choice. While this all came out during our day trip to Corpus Christi, Dad's wife (DW) stood up for me and he got pissed at her and gave her the silent treatment for the day. However, when we actually arrived in CC I had a long talk with Dad that included many tears and dredging past hurts on his part and mine. He still acted like the world was out to get him, wah wah wah. He admitted that he's starting to hate women which is quite apparent, but doesn't realize how stupid his reasons for hating women sounds. He has a tendancy to accuse others of doing what he's doing. For example, he accuses DW of hating men just because she happens to laugh at something on TV that made a man look stupid, when in reality he hates women. He accuses people of twisting words around to suit their purposes when that's what he was doing. He always twists situations around to make himself seem like the victim and then denies it vehemently when called on it. He thinks he already knows the best way to deal with situations where conflict arrises, when, in fact, this weekend was proof that he has NO CLUE. I told Dad that I really do want to improve our relationship and I know I have plenty of issues I need to work on, but he needs to be willing to change too. He said he recognized that it would not happen over night and he needs to not be so impatient. So there was some peace made on our issues. However, he would not forgive DW for standing up for me in the car on the way down there. We had stopped at an art museum and she just wanted to give him a kiss and he wouldn't let her. Later when we got back to San Antonio and were planning on going bowling, before she said wether or not she would go with us she needed to talk to him first. Sis and I gave them some privacy by going upstairs to the loft of the cottege we were in while they went into the downstairs bedroom. After some time went by, DW started screaming, and sis thought dad was hitting her (DW). I could tell by what I heard he was not hitting her but obviously the argument had gotten out of hand. She had grabbed a knife and threatened suicide because he was being such an asshole she had reached the end of her rope, so to speak. Dad took Sis out to the car to cool off and get away from DW. He was just going to take us to the bowling alley and leave DW at the cottege. She asked me to stay with her so I did. Poor thing was crying hysterically. She had never dealt with someone like my dad before. Her own father was a very physically abusive alcoholic so this whole thing was rather traumatic for her. She asked me what I thought she should do. I said, "If you want we can grab a taxi and go to the airport right now. She said, "But your dad would never forgive you, he'd hate you for the rest of your life." I told her, "Who the fuck cares? Let him hate me for the rest of his life! I don't care, fuck him!" So we talked for a bit longer. I told her about DH's HIV because her previous husband died of cancer a couple of years ago and she had to take care of him when he was really sick. I wanted her to know how much I admire her and look up to her considering I will probably have to go through that one day too. She eventually decided that she was going to go bowling with us anyway. She said to me, "You know, you're right, fuck him!" She got pretty blitzed at the bowling alley and she normally rarely drinks more than one glass. That night she had 3 or 4. Dad had to carry her back into the cottege and I had to help him get her clothes off. She woke up for a minute and was crying again and I managed to calm her down. I guess at some point the next morning the quietly forgave eachother of whatever and were on talking terms again. That was Sunday morning. Dad and DW had brunch with an old friend of Dad and SM's who happened to also be in town during the weekend while Sis and I had lunch with SM. DW told me that during brunch the old friend asked about me and Dad told him that he thought DH was a little controling. Even DW laughed. Oh well, Dad is who he is. I doubt he'll ever change much, but hey, you never know. DH's family thought he would never change but he did. It is, however, taking my dad considerably longer to make these changes.

Is It My Turn Yet?

2005-02-01T13:56:00.000-08:00

Wow. I'm going crazy here with Baby Fever. I hate that there's nothing much I can do until after my appointment on the 14th. It's especially hard with AD being pregnant and wanting to have an abortion. I spoke to her last night. She still wants to go through with it, but is having difficulty dealing with the pregnancy hormones. I'm a bit surprised that I'm dealing with this whole thing as well as I am. I thought I would feel more jealous of the fact that she's pg and doesn't even want to be. That thought is, of course, in the back of mind, but the emotion isn't really behind it. I feel more protective of AD than anything. I don't want anybody to think badly of her because of her choice. I don't want her to beat herself up over the choice she makes. Regardless of what that choice is in the end. I'm still not convinced that she will go through with the abortion. If she does have the baby, she'll probably raise it too. DH said the same thing last night. If she does keep it, I will do everything possible to convince her to move up here. She can live with us for awhile until she gets her own place, or whatever. That is my dream, for her to move up here.

I just wish that I was pregnant right now. I know I've said this before, but I am TIRED of waiting! Damn it! I am soo not a planning person. I much prefer to be spontaneous. Over planning takes the romance out of everything. It also makes the time o by so much slower! It would be different if I actually didn't want to start ttc until March, but I wanted to start this month. It's hard enough when Fertility Friend says that if I conceived this cycle I would be due October 12th. Gee thanks, just rub my face in it. I feel like in a way I have no right to be this impatient considering that so many women have been ttc for 5 years or more with no luck and having to spend sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars to get fertility treatment. On the other hand... Oh, fuck. I don't know what the hell is going on inside my head half the time. I just know I am ready to be a mom now and can we please get this show on the road?! I want to have something to be hopeful about every cycle instead of another cycle of waiting. Well, at least next cycle I get my doc appointment to make sure everything is working ok. That will be the first real step taken towards becoming pregnant. Why does it feel so damn far away? I mean, the appointment is only in 2 weeks.

To be Or Not To Be...Pregnant

2005-01-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

My best friend from high school (AD) called me this morning to tell me she she got a positive home pregnancy test this morning. She was suspicious because af was a bit late and her breasts were a lot bigger and a lot more sore than they usually are before af. So she took the test this morning, and lo and behold...She and her boyfriend had talked about the possibility of this happening when they started dating (AD always makes sure to have that conversation before they become intimate and always has them get tested for STD's, she is a nurse after all) and they agreed that an abortion would be the best course for them. AD has told me many times that she isn't ready for a family for at least 10 years, and really isn't mentally prepared to handle pregnancy at this time either. He had said he would pay for it and take her to the clinic, etc. She seemed to still be in a state of shock when she called me. I urged her to get some counseling before and after the abortion because so many women have been broadsided by the suddenness and extent of their feelings off grief, loss, and emptiness. I thought to myself that if she couldn't go through with the abortion I would totally be willing to adopt the baby. When I told DH about AD he said the same thing. However, I didn't mention this to AD today because I felt the timing wasn't quite right. She's still pretty firm in her decision to have an abortion but already recognizes that she's feeling some of the grief that will accompany this loss. If she ends up changing her mind and not going through with it, I'll tell her then. My husband said he'd pay for her ticket to come up to visit if she needs some extra TLC. She said after the abortion she probably will need some TLC and emotional support. So while she may not take us up on paying for her ticket she will most likely come up to visit for a long weekend. AD and I share very similar spiritual beliefs and we both believe in reincarnation. I suggested that when she has the procedure she say a prayer to the little soul asking it to come back when she would be a better mom. She liked that idea and asked for me to say a prayer as well. So if any of you who are reading are the praying kind (regardless of religious/spiritual beliefs) please say a prayer for her and the tiny spark of life within her womb. One interesting thin to note, though is that when I asked the Facade Yes or No Oracle if she would go through with the abortion, it said no at four different times. It also said she would end up raising the baby herself. I have never found that oracle to be wrong, either...

Why Does It Have To Take So Damn Long?

2005-01-17T14:10:00.000-08:00

I finally got my first OB/GYN appointment. It's not until Valentine's Day. I made the appointment on Friday, 1/14. My questions is: Why is it that OB/GYN offices never have appointments available sooner than a month away? Why must we book our lives so far in advance for everything? There was one office that didn't have anything available until March 31st. That is way too far away for me. I wanted to actually be physically ttc at that point. So at least with my current appointment that is still possible. Next cycle I think I'll try an OPK because the clinic suggests getting a feel for it. PRS suggests using an OPK so that I have the best chance of timing the insemination correctly. I am soo looking forward to it, but really nervous at the same time.

I had an anxiety attack on Saturday while getting ready for KS's birthday party. I thought I could handle being in a bar as long as my husband was with me. Apparently I couldn't and it all erupted about 2 hours before the party. Granted, I had forgotten to take my meds earlier, but I haven't had an anxiety attack like that in a couple of years. DH gave me one of his panic attack meds to calm me down. I felt like a trampoline spring coiled up so tight it was impossible to bend. It surprised me, too, because I had a good day, I went shopping and got new shoes plus 2 CD's. I felt good when I got home. But the closer it got to my friends party, the more I started trippin' on it. It was at this place called Martuni's that you can sing like at a karaoke bar but with live piano instead. I love doing stuff like this, but I really wasn't ready to be in a bar where all of my friends would be drinking. I knew I would get bored and jealous of everyone drinking. I tried not to think about it, but my subconscious can be too strong sometimes. I started getting unreasonably mad about the circuit breakers going off in our flat just because I was on the computer and the heater was on at the same time. I mean, it always pisses me off but not normally to the point where I'm slamming doors and yelling. I was starting to feel like I wanted to throw something through a window so I went for a walk around the block with tears streaming down my face and I realized there was no way in hell I could go to that party. My poor friend KS felt so bad, like it was her fault I had the anxiety attack, which it's totally not. I just have "stuff" I need to wade through and deal with.

So. As much as I look forward to the weekends, I dread them too. Too many demons to exorcise. I thought I'd be fine in a couple week's time after going clean and would be signed up with the clinic by the end of this month. It was not to be. I should have known better.

The Great Baby Quest

Pleasantly Surprised

An Update of Sorts

Blogging Hiatus

It's Been Way Too Long

Things Must've Been Going Too Well

Cruel, Cruel World

I Want to Love My Body Again

Lots to Think About

Disciplining Children

Being Broke is So Depressing

The Cutest, Funniest Thing I've Seen in a Long Time

Heartland

Huh, Maybe the Meds Are Working

Don't Want to be Another Bitter Infertile

Something Different

It's Actually Pretty Funny

Oh Yeah, it's Delurking Week

Our Story

Happy New Year

Stepping Back

I'm a Loser Babyyyy....So Why Don't You Kill Me?

Same Blood, Different Month

Changes in the Air

I'm Such an Idiot! Part II

Congratulations, Milenka!

Cycle #12

All This Waiting

I'm Such An Idiot!

Bren & her Lollypop

Less Obsession? HA!

Hey Lurkers!

Bitterness Leaves a Bad Taste, Even When it's Mild

It Doesn't Ever Go Away

The Worst Part of the Cycle

Hope Keeps Getting Resurrected

Sleep?

Dealing With Depression

Loser

Getting Frustrated

Can You Believe This Bullshit?

Humiliated

Donating Blood

You know what I fucking hate?

It's Over

OMFG!!!!!!!!

4 Years

I Hate Feeling This Way

My Dad is Pretty Damn Cool

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Schoooool's Out For Summer!

There Goes All Our Plans for This Year *Updated*

6 Cycles With Nothing to Show for It *UPDATED*

I Should Be Studying...But I'm Not

Twighlight Zone

Dammit!

New template! Woohoo!

My Doggy

:o(

International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day

Two Years!

iPod Shuffle Blues

Possible Hiatus *UPDATED*

Busy Bee

Crappy Days

Jealousy Aside

I Could Fucking SCREAM

Bloody Holidays

Happy Holidays!

No Fair

The Post I Almost Posted

No Luck

Triphasic!

First Official Cycle

Dear Milenka

Damn Hormones

Another One Bites the Dust

This and That

Changed My Mind

New Template

There Goes All Our Plans for This Year Updated

6 Cycles With Nothing to Show for It UPDATED

Possible Hiatus UPDATED