Lots to Think About

I need to take a break from ttc. I have no idea how long. Could be just a month, could be 3. I've gotten bored with it. I'm starting to hate it. I hate the hopeless feeling that comes with it every fucking month. It's depressing me.

The depression has gotten to the point where not only is my skin constantly boken out with psoriasis, but I've started binge drinking again, like I did when I was still working in an office job. Of course the drinking just makes my skin even worse. This weekend I got so drunk that I was terribly sick all day yesterday. It was by far the worst hang-over I've ever had in my life. Even after puking before passing out, I still puked again like 9 times or something yestrday. It was probably alcohol poisoning, but I managed to come out of it sometime around 8 pm last night with lots of electrolyte-enhanced water and lots of sleep. The only thing I could eat and keep down all day was a couple of bites of ice-cream around 8:30 pm.

This last thing embarrasses me and infuriates me. I've been knowing for some time now that I have a problem with being able to control my alcohol intake, but this was the last straw. I just can't drink alcohol anymore. If I need to be babysat everytime I drink, I have no business doing it at all. Especially when I started having a few drinks before classes in the morning. It has become a pretty serious problem. One I wasn't fully able to admit until this. I've just started seeing a psychotherapist again. We had our introductory session last week and I'll see him again next week. I'll have to talk to him more about this when I see him. It's really hard writing this, but I need to. I need to hold myself accountable before it ruins my life.

I have a bit of hope on the horizon. California Senator Carole Mignden's bill SB 443 recently passed the senate's health commitee. Here's an excerpt of their press release:

“All families deserve access to the tools that reproductive science has to offer,” said Migden. “In this case California law needs to catch up with technology because, whether inadvertent or not, it discriminates against HIV-positive men. My legislation will ensure equal reproductive rights for all women, regardless of their partners’ HIV status.”

SB 443 would allow couples where the fathers are HIV positive to undergo assisted reproduction under the following guidelines:
1) The HIV-positive donor’s sperm is processed to minimize the infectiousness of the sperm for the specific donation;2) Informed mutual consent has occurred; and3) The sperm processing procedures must be recognized by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine.

So anyway, that's another reason why I'd like to hold off for a bit on ttc. The prospect of using G's sperm after all this time is so exciting. I'm willing to do IUI for that. I so hope that they will approve IUI for this. IVF is still way out of our price range at this point. Please keep your fingers crossed, or say a prayer, or light a candle or whatever that they will approve IUI for this.

I guess I could use some prayers and good vibes for the other stuff too. Wish me luck.